Don't get me wrong

I feel like I'm running out of things to believe in.
It's easy for me to see the beauty in people and life,
but I struggle to see it in myself
don't get me wrong
I'm as cute as hell
I just don't let people get close to me anymore.

Do you know that I have not felt physical loving touch
from another human being in years.
I mean like, no physical contact
don't get me wrong
I have loving amazing friends that adore me
and even hug me from time to time
I just won't let anyone in.

I do this with everyone
my family, my friends
I won't let anyone close to my heart.
I don't even grow things anymore.
I used to be an amazing gardener.
don't get me wrong
I am a creative high energy goofball of fun and action.
you just won't catch me with someone.

I don't know how or when this started
maybe too much death, loss and disillusion
loneliness turns into solitude overtime.
I stopped singing songs of longing and hope
don't get me wrong
I'm pretty good company even to myself
I crack myself up often
I think I'm turning into a house cat.

I don't know why I never thought I would live past the age of 40,
and I'm turning 50 this year?
these are bonus years from here on out
don't get me wrong
I am grateful for my life
and I'm certainly immature for my age
I have been lucky enough to have known
some pretty great love
I just wonder
how I will know
when it's time

to hold someone again?