March 8, 2010

For the writers out there.....

This was sent to me to today and I had to share it with you.  Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year for their amusement. 

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. Instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19PM, at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. (My personal favorite!)

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

March 4, 2010

How I started my first Art Car...

A few years back I had a beater faded Honda Civic hatchback I bought from my roommate’s hairdresser. She was one of those cool scary chicks that turned the back part of her house into a cheesy cool salon; she worked on mostly old blue haired ladies. I thought of that when I drove the old blue colored car away that day for $400.

Shortly after this, I was given a fake severed arm by my boss, Dr. Don Francis, leaving the company Halloween/His Birthday party from work one night. For fun I left it hanging out the back of the hatchback. It was funny, seeing some ridiculous human bloody rubber arm dangling there at a stop light. I would wait for the response from the car behind me…waiting to see if they noticed it. It was so out of place. Most the time they would smile and laugh, or shake there head at me when driving by. I loved that dead arm. I kept in on there for over two years. The arm out lasted the car. : )

I always wanted a VW Camper Bus, and had been doing more camping adventures and Lord knows I needed a better way to haul the sound system for my jazz gigs etc. I finally found an amazing deal on Craigslist, a 1973 Type 2 VW Camper Bus from Berkeley, CA in pretty ugly condition, but no rust and it ran great for $800.

It had some custom interior work done to it inside, but let me tell ya, it was funky, yet I could see the beauty even through the Deadhead stickers. All it needed was a little TLC and she could be amazing. I drove her away happy a hell. I had no idea what I was going to do to it. I’d come home from work and stare at it for hours. Dead arms lingered in my brain as I started cleaning her up. 

My jazz band is called Dangerous Martini; we do cocktail jazz and blues, bebop, swing and straight ahead jazz. One night it hit me, I’ve got to turn this into a Retro Cocktail Lounge! Visions of Leopard fur, martini glasses, and swanky atomic cocktail visions over took my common sense. I began a clandestine affair with the local hardware, fabric and art supply stores. I was shameless. What once was an idea became an obsession. Every night I would come home and work on her a little more in the dimly lit covered apartment garage in Emeryville, CA.

It was like I had to prove something to the world. That there was something beautiful behind that old funky lady from the early 70’s and I was going to uncover it. It was my daily driver to my corporate day job, when I cruised down the road I felt like she was saying “Wake Up – Take a Chance – Don’t be afraid to be different” to all the "Greige" (Grey-Beige) obedient conservative safe mundane cars out there that all look the same.  It seemed more important than just seeing the smiling faces in my rear view mirror.

She has been to many Art car events and parades. I would take naps in her on my lunch break. She was my secret escape pod, my safe refuge and trusted friend. She is a camper, a mobile bar, she is a lifestyle. I always had a cozy place to sleep and was ready to roll for many adventures at a moments notice, and we have.  Over the years she has had her health problems, she is what we diplomatic ladies refer to as “Vintage”. She has spent more times then I would like to mention on tow trucks, injured in dusty fringe towns and has even spent some time in jail. She is seasoned yet wise, but always warm, comfortable delicious and fabulous.
For the past couple years she has been house bound sitting pretty in the driveway. She has had some doctors poke around and clean her engine up a bit, but she needs a good man who knows what he’s doing. She was able to make it for Art car Fest 2009 and briefly was in a movie shoot before her last heart attack. We are seeking a new VW surgeon to help work out the bugs in her 1700 cc Porsche 914 high performance engine, preferably someone who also believes in the importance of cocktail camping and mobile art expression. 

She wields a power for freedom. She gives the world permission to be creative and funny and ridiculous in a beautiful way. I won’t give up on her, no matter what my friends say. The Leopard Lounge aka The Fahrvernpüssy Lounge will live on.

I encourage you to start your own Art Car. It's a liberating exciting fun experience. You meet the most interesting people everywhere you go.

March 3, 2010

Be it ever so illusive, there is no place like it.

My computer is back in the shop and I’m on a loner the housemates have loaned me until my exit, which is next week.  I’m still in search of, we all seem to continue to search for…. HOME.  Be it ever so illusive, there is NO PLACE like it. The job market here in the south bay area has dried up. Silicon Valley feels like it did back in 2001 when the dot com crash occurred, it’s time to go back to Oakland, back to where my stuff is still in storage. I have been paying $150.00 a month for two years. Living out of a suitcase, renting rooms isn’t easy when you have two kitties in tow. Sometimes I know they are the only thing keeping me from living in my car.

I’ve been pricing RV”s lately, interviewing artist friends and professionals who are self employed who successfully live in them and travel all over the country. Lusting after this ‘Jayco Seneca ZX Motor Home Class C - Toy hauler’ – An upscale RV with a garage is giving me ideas of becoming a vagabond gypsy for the last half of my life, living in some sort of artistic fashion. Toting my own ‘Green Room’ to my gigs, having a cozy place to stay is appealing. Home is not always where your stuff is, it's where your Whoo Whoo is.  :  )

The thought of buying a home that was built for someone else that is too close to other houses on some kind of grid is not appealing to me.  When I do decide to drop an anchor, it will be on some open land with lots of trees and sunshine.  Where I can build a creative mansion out of shipping containers on high ground and get completely off the grid.  The idea of working for 6 months and taking 6 months off is exciting. That is why I like doing contract work, but I am looking at how I can be successfully self employed working from my computer at home.

So it’s back to San Francisco for a high paying corporate contract gig, renting a room with a friend, saving every penny I can, paying back friends who have helped me and seeking some creative financing to start my rolling condo adventure, the payments on it will be my mortgage. Be it ever so illusive, there is no place like it where ever it may be.