I create my own Reality everyday, yet sometimes astrology and numerology seem way to accurate, so I try to keep an open mind with them so I may anticipate the best times to make huge moves on my life path (Timing can be Everything) and use the transits to assist me for pushing beyond my limitations.
Last year I was in my astrological "Saturn Square Saturn", this happens every 7 years. It was also a numerological Personal year of 9. A double whammy of ass kicking and harsh life lessons. AND IT WAS! It was a year of loss in everything that once brought me a sense of safety, joy, and security. Saturn will either kill you or refine you when he comes knocking. And knocking he did, all the way up and down the stairs, the walls, the floor and down in the dirt, over and over...
I lost a job with people I really cared about, my big beautiful home, I got rid of my big stuff, furniture, my huge epic BBQ Smoker, my Gnaughty Gnome Art Car...
I filed chapter 7 bankruptcy and let go of the old IRS debt that had been hanging over me for years...
I lost a little over 45 pounds of body fat and got rid of tons of old clothes...
I sold my beloved 1973 VW T2 Camper Bus Art Car, 15 years of love, joy and frustration...
I most literally lost the "Very legs I had to stand on." I had double knee replacement surgery and had to learn how to walk again...
I lost the old ways of thinking about myself, my body, my aging process and old eating and bad habits that were not serving me...
I was dog sitting my most favorite dog Nellie, and she suffered a stroke on my watch and for the first time in my life, I had to put a dog down...
And as a grand end of year finale, I got rid of the deep big stuff... I finally let go of the anger I had with my mother, and let her go. She passed away years ago... and I was finally able to let go of two of the most toxic once significant people of my life...
Yes, it hurt. It felt like some kind of cosmic hot metal was being pored over every part of me inside and out, burning away the wood, plastic, brick walls, iron doors, the fluffy bunny rainbows of bullshit, old excuses, the stories I used to tell myself, and all of the other old worn out structures I had built that were no longer Real, True or Strong Enough to support the Truth of who I am NOW, TODAY.
What was forged of me is now precious metal, and I stand before you, ON FIRE, Golden and New.
When Saturn calls you to the front of the class, you better get up there, and be ready. If you aren't, you must stand up be accountable. You must prove what you are made of. I learned what I am made of and honestly, I kind of shocked myself.
I found the wisdom of the Task Master and his teachings. Saturn clears away the crap so you can build something real and strong for the long haul. I was kinda like Kung-Fu from the television series, but still got my ass handed to me a helluva lot in the process. Instead of judging myself for my failures, or feeling any shame, I accepted my faults and took responsibility for them.
I still was able to stand in front of him, with love in my heart for myself, with all of my flaws, humbled, and he kept testing me, pushing me harder and harder to see if I would crumble. I DID NOT. Not in a stubborn egotistic way, in a fully human open-hearted, non-judgmental, self accepting way.
I guess this is when you know you are no longer depressed. When the actual shit hits all your fans, and you can accept and know you will be okay, all by yourself. No freakout, panic, or residue butt-hurt.
When you can accept all of your fuck-ups and figure out how to make them right the best way you can, and then set a plan and stick to it and know you can count on yourself and at the end of the year you stand on the scale and have proof...
When you finally can stop trying to heal or fix the most fucked up people who you once that thought were the most important ones in your life, and honestly let them go, with peace in your heart...
When you can let go of all of the things or attachments you once had, and still feel whole...
THAT IS A GOOD DAY, AND A GOOD YEAR CONSIDERING YOU GOT A BUNCH OF NEW SCARS.
I am stronger than I thought. I am now lighter, quicker and free to move, pain-free on my feet. I have skills I didn't know I had before this year long life Grand Test. What I lost was nothing to what I have now gained. I think if I had balls, they would be really big and hairy, yet extremely well groomed. 😉
After letting it all go, healing, and redesigning my life, I am grateful for this experience. The freedom of letting go of all of the things that were holding me back is indescribable. The decisions I have made and are undertaking currently are perfect for this brand new year 2019.
It's like the smoke has cleared away and I can see. The legs I stand on today are stronger than ever. I will however, set off metal detectors at the airport with these new bionic knees - but who cares! I am more alive than ever in my life. The groundedness I am now in is powerful. The foundation I am building on now is strong, sound and more realistic and authentic than ever in my life.
I am building a new career and completley new life direction. My giggle is back!
I also feel extra awesome now that my transits have changed for the best in 12 years!
I AM NEW.
My theme song of 2018
Brand New Me
Brand New Me
(Girl on fire)
Alicia Keys
Songwriters: Neal Brian Conway / Crystal Waters / Alicia Keys / Emeli Sande
It's been a while, I'm not who I was before
You look surprised, your words don't burn me anymore
Been meaning to tell you, but I guess it's clear to see
Don't be mad, it's just the brand new kind of me
Can't be bad, I found a brand new kind of free
Careful with your ego, he's the one that we should blame
Had to grab my heart back
God know something had to change
I thought that you'd be happy
I found the one thing I need, why you mad
It's just the brand new kind of me
It took a long long time to get here
It took a brave, brave girl to try
It took one too many excuses, one too many lies
Don't be surprised, don't be surprised
if i talk a little louder
If I speak up when you're wrong
If I walk a little taller
I'd be known to you too long
If you noticed that I'm different
Don't take it personally
Don't be mad, it's just the brand new kind of me
And it ain't bad, I found a brand new kind of free
Oh, it took a long long road to get here
It took a brave brave girl to try
I've taken one too many excuses, one too many lies
Don't be surprised, oh see you look surprised
Hey, if you were a friend, you want to get know me again
If you were worth a while
You'd be happy to see me smile
I'm not expecting sorry
I'm too busy finding myself
I got this
I found me, I found me, yeah
I don't need your opinion
I'm not waiting for your okay
I'll never be perfect, but at least now I'm brave
Now, my heart is open
And I can finally breathe
Don't be mad, it's just the brand new kind of free
That ain't bad, I found a brand new kind of me
Don't be mad, it's just a brand new time for me
 |
| You can be mad at my new prescription sunglasses, cuz they are badass... A Zoolander moment, 12/21/18 |
HAPPY NEW YEAR MY FRIENDS.
Life is a process, and sometimes when you pass the tests,
you learn what a HEALTHY GOOD PRIDE feels like.
I have never been this HERE before, and it's an amazing feeling.
Life is a process, and sometimes when you pass the tests,
you learn what a HEALTHY GOOD PRIDE feels like.
I have never been this HERE before, and it's an amazing feeling.
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