This is me...

So there I was, laying in my van last night parked on the hill next to the beach. I was all hunkered down in my comfy bed and curled up with a cuppa hot chocolate and a movie I'd really wanted to finally see...

The Greatest Showman Movie

If you haven't seen this, I encourage you to watch this one. Hugh Jackman will blow your ever loving mind. Any Wolverine images of sharp knifes ejecting out of skin and bad hair will vanish from your memory forever when you see him in this inspiring film. IT'S ALL ABOUT THE MUSIC IN THIS ONE.

So I'm watching the Broadway like production (Which I am usually not a fan of, but was totally digging the energy)

and then this one song began... and I jumped out of the bed and started dancing and singing. I flung open the side doors of the van and started jumping and shouting at the moon...

This Is Me

Keala Settle, The Greatest Showman Ensemble

I am not a stranger to the dark

Hide away, they say

'Cause we don't want your broken parts

I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars

Run away, they say

No one'll love you as you are

But I won't let them break me down to dust

I know that there's a place for us

For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out

I am brave, I am bruised

I am who I'm meant to be, this is me

Look out 'cause here I come

And I'm marching on to the beat I drum

I'm not scared to be seen

I make no apologies, this is me

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh

Another round of bullets hits my skin

Well, fire away 'cause today, I won't let the shame sink in

We are bursting through the barricades and

Reaching for the sun (we are warriors)

Yeah, that's what we've become (yeah, that's what we've become)

I won't let them break me down to dust

I know that there's a place for us

For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out

I am brave, I am bruised

I am who I'm meant to be, this is me

Look out 'cause here I come

And I'm marching on to the beat I drum

I'm not scared to be seen

I make no apologies, this is me

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh

This is me

and I know that I deserve your love

(Oh-oh-oh-oh) 'cause there's nothing I'm not worthy of

(Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh)

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out

This is brave, this is proof

This is who I'm meant to be, this is me

Look out 'cause here I come (look out 'cause here I come)

And I'm marching on to the beat I drum (marching on, marching, marching on)

I'm not scared to be seen

I make no apologies, this is me

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out

I'm gonna send a flood

Gonna drown them out

Oh

This is me

Songwriters: Justin Paul / Benj Pasek

This Is Me lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.

THE ENTIRE SOUNDTRACK IS OUTSTANDING, BUT HOLY CRAP. This song hit my heart and hit me right where I live. This is totally where I am and what I am going through in my life right now.

Being an artistic, possibly eccentric. maverick type of soul that is attempting to create something different and new is not an easy life. You have to be a dreamer and shoot for the stars, but also outside of the box enough to believe in it and bold enough to get out and make it a reality. I'm crazy like that. If you know me, you know I get an idea and I JUST DO STUFF. Big stuff or little stuff that packs a wallop.

I am on my own doing this van life style in my area, (I have met a couple others in person that seemed a little bit... "overly friendly", and not in a good way, so I keep to myself) and I am embarking on a big new career change, creating something I am really passionate about. I am refining my creative talents, trying new mediums and working very hard at taking my music to the next level.

These health road blocks I've had for the past few years slowed me down a bit and probably would have destroyed other people, but I am a warrior diva, I am very strong. I have my health issues resolved. DONE. I have moved on now.

My challenge is that I am a recovering perfectionist, emphasis on the word recovering.  I know what I am capable of, and I am not there yet. Practice, practice, I am practicing my ass off right now.  I know I am not as young as I was when I was touring and singing, I just miss the things I was able to do before vocally. In many ways, I feel that today, I am better than I have ever been in my life. I have lived some and have a depth in my being that was never there in my voice before. Age has given me that. I am also more grounded than ever in my life. I am unafraid to be who I am and share the real me with you. I will always be true to you.

I wrestle with myself inside because I know who I am and what I am meant to be. My best self is shinier, brighter, playfully witty and romantically goose bump and toe curling good on any day of the week, but especially as a performer, I can be even better if I get to the point where I Can Deliver skill wise. I am working my ass off right now and getting my serious vocal chops and entrepreneurial Mo Jo back.  

It's hard to know when to put yourself out there. Auditions and rejections can be brutal over time. Timing is huge, but being prepared and ready is everything. I like to run my own show, so that makes things easier on one hand, but way, way, WAY more work.  I will need to go back to a day job to build this and I am dreading that, but staying in the van and saving money will help me launch this faster.

I am that sort of passionate, over the top, real love that doesn't know how not to just open my heart completely. I can't help but express the truth of what I feel inside, yet you may be surprised at how quiet I am in person, at the same time.

For as shattered as my heart has been at times in my life, I still am kinda innocent and naive in the squishy places inside me that matter. I still believe in love. This is why I have to be careful and sometimes wish for a strong protective man to be by my side.

This is why I have been locked away, writing, disciplined, focused, studying, testing, practicing and preparing. I know I will never be perfect, I don't want to be that. I want to be the best me I can be.

I believe that being the best version of myself in the world shows my highest respect to you, and life and me.

My style of art, music, words and self expression aren't just beautiful and fun, they secretly are transformative.  They work on several levels at once.  This is the real purpose of my self expression in the world. To serve the world, love, music, food, art and fun. It will taste and feel like hope, joy, comfort and empowerment. The kind of safe place every child-like heart, at any age, will come out and play with.

My life, my little stories of how I survived it and how I changed myself will hopefully give our next generations of awesome humans what they need to make it on their own and a better world for everyone in it. This is me. Told you I was weird. 😜

I am still learning that balance between pushing myself to be my best, and being okay with not being where I want to be. This song really helped me just be okay with where I am right now.