September 25, 2018

Shine on you Crazy Diamonds!

Some of us who didn’t grow up with much guidance or support, had to make it on our own and really learn the hard way. We made mistakes, trusting the wrong people, being betrayed by a cruel world and many of us losing ourselves in the jungle of life without a machete. Many close to us didn’t survive, and this made it even more terrifying. Many of us spent much of our lives learning how to forgive our own mistakes and those of our families and how they affected us. Most just hide from life and go along with the flow, never rocking the boat so they will make it through without too much damage inside and out.

But there are a few of us out there who never went along with the flow, or the herd. We fought, we loved, we called bullshit out and suffered the consequences. We learned to observe from a distance and found our own balance and self-expression were the only truth to living a life worth living. Also, a tough and lonely way to go. We were rejected, and even feared by the culture and society.

We are the ones who saw a need and were sly enough to gracefully change the direction of where the herd was going, out of snoozville and into someplace exciting and new. We were the first one on the dance floor, that got the party started. We were the wild ones who jumped in that pool with our clothes on at the end of that paid gig. We were the ice breakers, the trend setters that saw what was possible next before everyone else.

We started the creative things and stepped back to behold the fun they brought, because it was never about us, it was about what we created that took on a life and positive change all on its own. We also knew how to climb the ladder to success but didn't like where that ladder was headed if it was set up by someone else. We knew we needed to find our own way on our own terms.

Eventually, we became what we needed, our own fathers and mothers to ourselves.  This led to becoming the guidance that developed our own beings into something much more valuable than what we observed in the kids we saw we grew up with, that did have loving and intelligent good parenting.
Many of us had enough time, determination, and passion to survive and let go of the shit and stuff we really didn't need to set ourselves free and live a better life.

Many of us don't have anything huge to show as far as worldly stuff on the outside anymore, but we certainly do on the inside. We did, but when we changed what we truly valued in life, we let a lot of it go. I think this is why so many I know start later in life to create the real fulfilling life they want. They finally got real with themselves and discovered what matters most.

This life factor creates “Late Bloomers”.  Yet the advantage in being a late bloomer that you may not know is, late bloomers bring much, much more to the table of whatever they engage in. Be it business, intimacy, friendship, and any form of creative expression. We are the Real Deal because we not only have the knowledge, we also have the applied experience that has been tested out. We late bloomers have the scars and awards to prove it.


This combination Knowledge + Life Experience = Wisdom, is the definition of what living breathing real wisdom may be.  Late bloomers who rediscover themselves in the last half of their lives, tend to give themselves the permission to live their lives as they were originally intended. Some may have endured much more than their share of heavy, burdensome, overwhelming painful lives, that at the last half of life, they get to be happy, free and full of joy and playfulness, living the childhood they missed as children themselves. 

We learned how to trust ourselves and follow our own inner guidance. We learned the secret of self-reliance and the importance of good quality friendships, how be a good friend to those we love, let the toxic ones go, and nurture and cherish the truly good ones we have.

We learned that happiness did not come from being competitive with others as everyone else was around us. Real winning comes from the honor from our competitiveness with ourselves to attain personal excellence refinement and self-mastery. We learned that the secret to true success in relationships was to not take our egos too seriously. With wisdom comes good timing. Late bloomers are methodical, intuitive and patient, but also realize that they are running out of time. This combination is how magic happens in one’s life direction and purpose!
When a late bloomer finally wakes up and decides to step into their true power, beauty and life – BIG THINGS HAPPEN. 

Whatever they decide to do will become a success. A Real Success in ways that the world around them may not understand. They make huge changes and may do drastic things that may freak out their friends and family during the transition. It involves discovering what really brings meaning, purpose and what legacy they want to leave behind for their own.

There are even what I call “Crazy Diamond Late Bloomers.” We are the ones in a hurry to create something we can leave behind for our beloveds and inspire and help the heart of humanity.  We choose to live these lives because we are the Crazy Diamonds that have something to share that is truly valuable. We are bold, fearless and seasoned by life. We have inner wisdom golden nuggets of goodness that many need to hear to better their own lives.

We know how to create a life for ourselves in a way that is manageable, profitable and fulfilling, fun and full of real true freedom. The smartest ones get paid to have fun and share their inner wealth of love and joy.

This is the true reward at the end of life. The trust we have earned with ourselves and ability to attract like-minded beings to us, is the icing on the grand cake. We create the family we never had and a creative home that we are proud to share with those we love. 

Even if you have not known “Great Love” yet.  As a late bloomer, you are more prepared for truly great love than anyone. You have learned from your mistakes in loves past. You are wiser now. It is your time now. The loneliness you once felt as a child will be melted away when you feel their lips touch yours. There is someone longing to love you and share in your dreams who will be there for you when you need them the most.  THERE IS SOMEONE FOR EVERYONE.

This love coming your way, will not rob you of your freedom.

So, Shine On and Allow Love to find you just as you are right now. You may be a bit older but are more lovable than ever.  So, if you are frustrated sometimes and feel behind, slow or just lost. Trust in yourself. Listen to your positive inner guidance. Do what you always wished you had done. Create a beautiful happy life while you are still here. DO IT NOW.


IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO START AGAIN!



September 19, 2018

For my classical music friends...

My favorite classical piece 
by French composer Eric Satie' and 
a rubber chicken.
This is some kind of awesome.

Brought to you by the musical geniuses Twoset Violin.

September 16, 2018

Is it possible to lose your virginity a second time in your life?

My poetic writing, lyrics and musical style expressions are getting ridiculously sexual these days. I just listened to this amazing artist and she says so much of what I have been feeling lately, or at least fantasizing about. Listen to this....



I looked at my life and went back in time and can't believe the truth of how long it has been. OMFG. I said I was going to keep it real. Yes my friends, well here is the truth....I have not been officially intimate with a man in 10 years as of October 1, 2018. 

The Chasity belt short summary goes like this...

After my last serious intimate relationship and I broke it off in 2008, he suddenly up and died unexpectedly at 46 years old. I decided to take a break from romantic love for awhile. It started out as a vow of celibacy and alone time to grieve and heal for one year, then several other very close friends started dropping dead and it became 2 years and then 5, and then lots of agonizing physically unbelievably painful and then extremely scary, tortuously horrible health shit happened. Then empowering fighting and inspiring life affirming, powerful winning true life miracle kick-ass stories after that. It was seriously fucked up and transforming at the same time. 

I loved myself back into life from the inside out. 

The end of the story is, I MADE IT OUT ALIVE!  TAAA DAAA!  I'm back. I feel truly here. I'm more in my body than ever in my life. It's like all of my senses are working better. I am sensual in a way now that is hard to describe. Life has become so much more precious and important to me now. Why are door knobs beginning to look so good to me? 

I can't keep my eyes off the cucumbers in the market, and I don't even like cucumbers. 

Looking back now, I didn't want to be with someone until I was honestly whole again.  I can say that I am more whole than I have ever been in my life. Once these new bionic knees are bed making functional, I may need someone to show me how it's done again. I feel new, fresh, (pure would be too far) but innocent in many ways, and a little embarrassed, but now you know. I can't believe I told you. 

Now you know why such an outgoing girl has been so shy.

September 1, 2018

This is me...

So there I was, laying in my van last night parked on the hill next to the beach. I was all hunkered down in my comfy bed and curled up with a cuppa hot chocolate and a movie I'd really wanted to finally see...

The Greatest Showman Movie

If you haven't seen this, I encourage you to watch this one. Hugh Jackman will blow your ever loving mind. Any Wolverine images of sharp knifes ejecting out of skin and bad hair will vanish from your memory forever when you see him in this inspiring film. IT'S ALL ABOUT THE MUSIC IN THIS ONE.

So I'm watching the Broadway like production (Which I am usually not a fan of, but was totally digging the energy)

and then this one song began... and I jumped out of the bed and started dancing and singing. I flung open the side doors of the van and started jumping and shouting at the moon...

This Is Me
Keala Settle, The Greatest Showman Ensemble

I am not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
'Cause we don't want your broken parts
I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one'll love you as you are

But I won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me

Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh

Another round of bullets hits my skin
Well, fire away 'cause today, I won't let the shame sink in
We are bursting through the barricades and
Reaching for the sun (we are warriors)
Yeah, that's what we've become (yeah, that's what we've become)

I won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh

This is me
and I know that I deserve your love
(Oh-oh-oh-oh) 'cause there's nothing I'm not worthy of
(Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh)

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
This is brave, this is proof
This is who I'm meant to be, this is me

Look out 'cause here I come (look out 'cause here I come)
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum (marching on, marching, marching on)
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I'm gonna send a flood
Gonna drown them out
Oh
This is me

Songwriters: Justin Paul / Benj Pasek
This Is Me lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.

THE ENTIRE SOUNDTRACK IS OUTSTANDING, BUT HOLY CRAP. This song hit my heart and hit me right where I live. This is totally where I am and what I am going through in my life right now.

Being an artistic, possibly eccentric. maverick type of soul that is attempting to create something different and new is not an easy life. You have to be a dreamer and shoot for the stars, but also outside of the box enough to believe in it and bold enough to get out and make it a reality. I'm crazy like that. If you know me, you know I get an idea and I JUST DO STUFF. Big stuff or little stuff that packs a wallop.

I am on my own doing this van life style in my area, (I have met a couple others in person that seemed a little bit... "overly friendly", and not in a good way, so I keep to myself) and I am embarking on a big new career change, creating something I am really passionate about. I am refining my creative talents, trying new mediums and working very hard at taking my music to the next level.

These health road blocks I've had for the past few years slowed me down a bit and probably would have destroyed other people, but I am a warrior diva, I am very strong. I have my health issues resolved. DONE. I have moved on now.

My challenge is that I am a recovering perfectionist, emphasis on the word recovering.  I know what I am capable of, and I am not there yet. Practice, practice, I am practicing my ass off right now.  I know I am not as young as I was when I was touring and singing, I just miss the things I was able to do before vocally. In many ways, I feel that today, I am better than I have ever been in my life. I have lived some and have a depth in my being that was never there in my voice before. Age has given me that. I am also more grounded than ever in my life. I am unafraid to be who I am and share the real me with you. I will always be true to you.

I wrestle with myself inside because I know who I am and what I am meant to be. My best self is shinier, brighter, playfully witty and romantically goose bump and toe curling good on any day of the week, but especially as a performer, I can be even better if I get to the point where I Can Deliver skill wise. I am working my ass off right now and getting my serious vocal chops and entrepreneurial Mo Jo back.  

It's hard to know when to put yourself out there. Auditions and rejections can be brutal over time. Timing is huge, but being prepared and ready is everything. I like to run my own show, so that makes things easier on one hand, but way, way, WAY more work.  I will need to go back to a day job to build this and I am dreading that, but staying in the van and saving money will help me launch this faster.

I am that sort of passionate, over the top, real love that doesn't know how not to just open my heart completely. I can't help but express the truth of what I feel inside, yet you may be surprised at how quiet I am in person, at the same time.

For as shattered as my heart has been at times in my life, I still am kinda innocent and naive in the squishy places inside me that matter. I still believe in love. This is why I have to be careful and sometimes wish for a strong protective man to be by my side.

This is why I have been locked away, writing, disciplined, focused, studying, testing, practicing and preparing. I know I will never be perfect, I don't want to be that. I want to be the best me I can be.

I believe that being the best version of myself in the world shows my highest respect to you, and life and me.

My style of art, music, words and self expression aren't just beautiful and fun, they secretly are transformative.  They work on several levels at once.  This is the real purpose of my self expression in the world. To serve the world, love, music, food, art and fun. It will taste and feel like hope, joy, comfort and empowerment. The kind of safe place every child-like heart, at any age, will come out and play with.

My life, my little stories of how I survived it and how I changed myself will hopefully give our next generations of awesome humans what they need to make it on their own and a better world for everyone in it. This is me. Told you I was weird. 😜

I am still learning that balance between pushing myself to be my best, and being okay with not being where I want to be. This song really helped me just be okay with where I am right now.