Monogamy & Scars...

Someone shared a personal story with me the other day.  For too many years, many of his close friends were sneaking around cheating on their spouses and lying about it.  Then to relieve their guilty consciouses, they told him what they were secretly doing.  He became the unwitting keeper of secrets and it was seriously stressing him out.  He didn’t know how to support his friends in their unhappy marriages, so he just tried to do the best he could expecting there was a change coming and he would support whatever they decided to do.

He said it sucked even worse when they would drag him into it and then they expected him to cover for them and lie for them, especially when they were cheating with other friends he knew, worked with and cared about.  He would be at a party and they ALL would be there in this insane nerve racking soap operatic facade and he would just bite his tongue and try not to bleed to death.  He started to feel icky because by being a "Loyal friend" and not ratting them out, he felt just as guilty or worse than his dishonest friends.  

He said some of these folks either left their spouses for the new squeeze and they ended up together and happy, and he tried not to take sides even if he was closer to one more than the other in the divorce, and some got caught cheating and went back to their spouses and tried to repair the damage. These situations were the hardest because of all of the fall out with everyone involved. 

His main issue was how in the end these friends after they had made their decisions after their indiscretions were settled, they would either resent him for not being there for them enough during their crisis’s, or he would be blamed by the spouse for not ratting out the cheater, or just separate from their friendship completely. They threw him under the bus and went back into their lives and acted like it never happened in hopes they would not be reminded about the whole fiasco.  He said many of these friendships were severely damaged or lost because of the lack of ability to see all the causalities their deceptive acts involved.  The repair and accountability isn’t just about the couples involved, it includes all the friends they dragged into it as well.  I didn’t have anything enlightening to tell him because I could totally relate and don’t have a clue.

I was married before and found out my spouse was cheating on me too once.  I was young.  I didn’t have kids with the guy. He had done it more than once so, I kicked his lying ass to the curb.   Everyone makes mistakes, but if you can’t face your own and take complete responsibility for them with everyone you got involved in it, those friendships die, especially if you don’t have any form of communication.

I feel for the ones who get cheated on in marriages and the ones who get left behind too.  Betrayal sucks and is very hard to get over.  We never really get to hear or know both sides of the story when things go wrong, we usually only hear one side.  I know I have mistakenly accused people of wrongs in the past.  I unfortunately believed all the crap I was being told by the very manipulator that started the whole mess to begin with.  I am very sorry to one lady out there for doing just that recently. 

I think true love is being able to forgive the indiscretions and forgive everyone who was involved so that eventually when you see one another face to face, you realize it was all meant to be to strengthen the relationship, or clean it up, and it becomes water under the bridge.  I forgave my husband at the time, but I also knew he couldn’t help his wandering dick.  He never planned on confessing, I always found out the hard way.  He liked the attention he got from women and flirting and the feeling he got from "The Chase" and being sneaky.  

He was very charming, but very manipulative to women, especially fragile ones.  Either I was going to have to be okay with it and we allow one another to be more open in our marriage agreement occasionally, or I was going to just move on and keep myself respect which I am glad I did because he didn’t want to open our marriage up a little and didn’t ever want me to be with anyone else, but it was okay for him to do it.  As things fell apart, he was physically abusive to me in the end.  I sure as shit don't tolerate that. The divorce was a blessing.

I think some people can have addictions to philandering and want to be monogamous creatures but after they get into it they realize they are incapable.  I have great respect for folks that realize this truth for themselves and graciously move on and are still able to remain friends with their former spouses.  I think the only way you can have a true friendship, is by being completely honest with each other, married or not.  Any friendship requires that, but there is a fine line on what you honestly should tell a close friend, if you do indeed care about them and your friendship. It's not nice to expect them to help you bury the bodies and share in your crimes.

The best unions I have seen are good friends first that live together and never get married to one another, or if they do - much later in the relationship.  I think the only reason to get legally married is if you want to have children, and you sure need to be good friends to do that.  I have seen some great parents who have raised some amazing kids.  I can say I did know great love once, I wasn't married to him either. I call it great because it was the only time I ever honestly was brave enough to open my heart to someone that I believed honestly loved me the same way too, until he didn't.  It was the most valuable experience of my life, and the hardest to lose.  I am a torch singer after all.