Monogamy & Scars...

Someone shared a personal story with me the other day.  For too many years, many of his close friends were sneaking around cheating on their spouses and lying about it.  Then to relieve their guilty consciouses, they told him what they were secretly doing.  He became the unwitting keeper of secrets and it was seriously stressing him out.  He didn’t know how to support his friends in their unhappy marriages, so he just tried to do the best he could expecting there was a change coming and he would support whatever they decided to do.

He said it sucked even worse when they would drag him into it and then they expected him to cover for them and lie for them, especially when they were cheating with other friends he knew, worked with and cared about.  He would be at a party and they ALL would be there in this insane nerve racking soap operatic facade and he would just bite his tongue and try not to bleed to death.  He started to feel icky because by being a "Loyal friend" and not ratting them out, he felt just as guilty or worse than his dishonest friends.  

He said some of these folks either left their spouses for the new squeeze and they ended up together and happy, and he tried not to take sides even if he was closer to one more than the other in the divorce, and some got caught cheating and went back to their spouses and tried to repair the damage. These situations were the hardest because of all of the fall out with everyone involved. 

His main issue was how in the end these friends after they had made their decisions after their indiscretions were settled, they would either resent him for not being there for them enough during their crisis’s, or he would be blamed by the spouse for not ratting out the cheater, or just separate from their friendship completely. They threw him under the bus and went back into their lives and acted like it never happened in hopes they would not be reminded about the whole fiasco.  He said many of these friendships were severely damaged or lost because of the lack of ability to see all the causalities their deceptive acts involved.  The repair and accountability isn’t just about the couples involved, it includes all the friends they dragged into it as well.  I didn’t have anything enlightening to tell him because I could totally relate and don’t have a clue.

I was married before and found out my spouse was cheating on me too once.  I was young.  I didn’t have kids with the guy. He had done it more than once so, I kicked his lying ass to the curb.   Everyone makes mistakes, but if you can’t face your own and take complete responsibility for them with everyone you got involved in it, those friendships die, especially if you don’t have any form of communication.

I feel for the ones who get cheated on in marriages and the ones who get left behind too.  Betrayal sucks and is very hard to get over.  We never really get to hear or know both sides of the story when things go wrong, we usually only hear one side.  I know I have mistakenly accused people of wrongs in the past.  I unfortunately believed all the crap I was being told by the very manipulator that started the whole mess to begin with.  I am very sorry to one lady out there for doing just that recently. 

I think true love is being able to forgive the indiscretions and forgive everyone who was involved so that eventually when you see one another face to face, you realize it was all meant to be to strengthen the relationship, or clean it up, and it becomes water under the bridge.  I forgave my husband at the time, but I also knew he couldn’t help his wandering dick.  He never planned on confessing, I always found out the hard way.  He liked the attention he got from women and flirting and the feeling he got from "The Chase" and being sneaky.  

He was very charming, but very manipulative to women, especially fragile ones.  Either I was going to have to be okay with it and we allow one another to be more open in our marriage agreement occasionally, or I was going to just move on and keep myself respect which I am glad I did because he didn’t want to open our marriage up a little and didn’t ever want me to be with anyone else, but it was okay for him to do it.  As things fell apart, he was physically abusive to me in the end.  I sure as shit don't tolerate that. The divorce was a blessing.

I think some people can have addictions to philandering and want to be monogamous creatures but after they get into it they realize they are incapable.  I have great respect for folks that realize this truth for themselves and graciously move on and are still able to remain friends with their former spouses.  I think the only way you can have a true friendship, is by being completely honest with each other, married or not.  Any friendship requires that, but there is a fine line on what you honestly should tell a close friend, if you do indeed care about them and your friendship. It's not nice to expect them to help you bury the bodies and share in your crimes.

The best unions I have seen are good friends first that live together and never get married to one another, or if they do - much later in the relationship.  I think the only reason to get legally married is if you want to have children, and you sure need to be good friends to do that.  I have seen some great parents who have raised some amazing kids.  I can say I did know great love once, I wasn't married to him either. I call it great because it was the only time I ever honestly was brave enough to open my heart to someone that I believed honestly loved me the same way too, until he didn't.  It was the most valuable experience of my life, and the hardest to lose.  I am a torch singer after all.

Etheric Megaphones...

I feel like I have been a catalyst for change this year.  Consciously or unconsciously helping people to move on to the next steps in their lives, it also has been happening to me. 

Most all of my life, I have had weight issues and eating disorders due to the need to protect myself, like an insulation from all of the stuff going on around me.  I know people that have been through spiritual and psychic training courses who want to be psychic.  I unfortunately was born this way, and I see WAY TOO MUCH. 

I see more than I want to see in others around me, their past, their possible futures, their secrets, it is exhausting.  It emotionally and ethically takes it's toll on ones heart, friendships and life, it sucks.  If you really could see what is all around you, right now where you are sitting reading this, you would freak.  You are never alone, EVER.  There are “Things”, dead people, and other stuff occupying the same space all around you that you can’t see with the naked eye. Having this awareness is a curse.  Be thankful that you can't see it because if you could, you would never get undressed or sleep again! 

I'm am Empath and have the wiring of a "Spiritual Medium", this REALLY SUCKS.  Not only do I experience the feelings of the living, but the dead as well.  I have to take sleeping pills and listen to loud music to be able to fall asleep every night.  Waking up with a crowd around you is no picnic either.  The way I mainly have coped with this is by trying to emotionally separate myself from most everyone around me so I can decompress from the overwhelm I experience most days.  Over the years, I have learned to distract myself from it and separate from my body to shut it down so I could try to live a normal life.  This has cost me much grief, stress and loneliness.  I have learned how to spiritually protect myself and have better boundaries than in my earlier days, but as I have gotten older it has gotten stronger and harder for me to control.

As you can imagine, I'm single for a good reason.  Too much stress and a lard ass.  I am hopeful.  I know there is a big funny guy out there looking for a really weird girl like me who is bored out of his gourd and would totally love to share in my wacky world, and he wouldn't even flinch if I told him all this stuff.  He's out there somewhere.  I have custom designed artistic shipping container home plans and am looking for build-able land somewhere far from from the city, where I can get away from people out in nature so I can escape all the intensity and work from home and share it with someone special. I love to spend much time in city life, but can't live in it. 

I like fine dining.  Rich foods are a comfort to me, and have been there for me in my solitude from the insanity going on all around me.  I just gave up on dieting, it never worked for me.  The weight piled on, as one would expect living as I was.  It’s as if I have walked through my life, especially the last couple years, as an observer not engaging in my life.  I see and feel too much all around me, all of the time now.  I don’t have the anxiety I used to have about it, so that’s a plus.

The other bonus is, since this seems to be ramping up with age, I am getting clearer guidance, or more like, I can hear clear coaching and I really like the advice I’m getting.  I think some people call this God or their “Guides”, to me it feels like I have a crack team of experts with megaphones giving me helpful tips when I really need it.  I certainly haven’t listened to them in the past.  Sometimes my ego, or anger, or disappointment would get the best of me and I would make bad decisions that would just make things worse.  I learn the hard way, it’s a tough process. 

The “Etheric Megaphones” steered me in a new eating direction.  I have been enjoying a Nutritional Ketogentic eating lifestyle and dropping weight and feeling amazing!  I still eat the rich foods I enjoy, and by doing so have converted my bodies system to burn fat, lowering my insulin levels and balancing my blood sugar. It's high fat, medium protein and low in carbohydrates.  

It’s a fringe eating lifestyle that is not very accepted by the main stream medical world yet, but I have 7 books I have been reading and found numerous doctors on Youtube that highly support this, and I am willing to test it out on myself.  There are millions of people out there who are living this way and are having outstanding results in weight-loss, keeping the weight off long term and have more energy and strength. So we will see.  I just want to feel good in my body again and be able to have a better quality of life in the last half of it.  Total body strength and weight resistance training are next on the menu for me.

The bigger more challenging next step is to find someone with integrity that I can talk to about how to live with daily psychic overwhelm, figure out what I'm supposed to do with this curse/gift and find better ways to insulate myself as my ass begins to take a slimmer sexier shape again and my body comes back into balance.