"The Acrylic Years."...

This year seems to be a big turn around for me.  I’m starting over with my personal rig, looking in the mirror for the first time in years.  I do like myself as I am, I just don’t relate very well.  I suffer from a form of dissociative anxiety that seems to flare up when I am faced with my need to protect myself... from facing my own feelings and myself.  Hence why I can sing the shit out of torch ballads - it's safer for me to sling the deep emotional shit artistically at you.  Being a vocalist is cheaper then therapy.  Astrologically, I am a fire sign but have a truck load of water in my natal chart, and haven’t quite developed the capacity for dealing with the bigger waves yet.  I'm steamy either way.  I seem to have become a connoisseur of avoiding reality, and certainly when it involves my body, aging, responsibility and dealing with my looks in general.  I haven’t quite lost my bloom, but my petals are certainly falling off.

Is there life after 12 years of acrylic hair extensions and 25 years of acrylic nails?  I hope so because I have removed every trace of acrylic from permanently being stuck to me.  I have very fine and soft, brittle hair and nails always have – DUCK FUR I call it - and that was my solution – show biz fakery, or props for being a Lady in this culture…. I need a break from fake.  I want to just be myself, my real self.  I have a couple wigs to transition to let my hair grow out for the public, but I am cultivating the ground and planting new fresh seeds.  I've endured a lot of stinking fertilizer and tilling my soil hurts.

This year I have the opportunity to examine myself and find what is up with me, though I am finding this very difficult to do.  This is my internal war.  Apathy, depression, boredom, creative inspiration, anxiety, unexpressed rage, injustice, fear of too much attention mixed with the need to feel significant, it’s like having the foot and the gas and the break at the same time.
ME…. Can’t you smell the stench of burnt brakes and tar….? Me… the childlike middle aged big beautiful care giving chef that sings jazz with a soul full of blues and glues squirrels to her car? ….the psychic empathic secret psychologist to the world who prays for only really one super power – To be able to heal and restore every living thing to perfect health, balance and happiness….? …. The loner, the rebel, who fights rules and lives to defy authority yet is sick of paying the price for it….? … the lost little girl who cries herself to sleep because she fears to dream of love ever again …? a highly sensual lover who is too fat and out of shape to fuck….? … sad lazy angry bitter dressed and ready to catch the next big end of the world scenario in hopes she can die from natural causes….? …planning to live in a truck as a retirement plan….? …hiding in my postage stamp bedroom, thankful just to be safe and dry and warm….? …spending time planning a future of freedom and fun and practicing being here now….? … uncovering every stone in the universe and beyond to find out what the hell I am doing here...? …choosing a simpler way of life….? …laying off the beer and bacon switching to salad and fat free yogurt for awhile….?…peri-fucking-menopause, the beginning of the end of my bleeding whiny-ass sniveling youth….? 

Yep ME…the artist and singer and tour guide of really weird stuff and living silly adventures, a fine example of 'What Not To Do'....hoping to remind myself to not take life too seriously...
New strong beautiful fresh sprouts are springing up and out slowly on the outside and inside. 

Let the detox begin and may a giant purple acrylic vagina be erected somewhere forbidden in my honor - to represent "The Acrylic Years." 

The Art of Kitty Zen

“Diva” my sweet cat is 12 years old.  She is a long hair smoky black luxurious kitty with aqua blue/green eyes.  I had rescued her from an animal shelter with her late brother “Dude” whom I am calling late because we still don’t know what became of him.  That is a heart breaking sad story I’ll tell you another time.

Diva is my girl.  We are bonded for life.  She may be like a daughter to me in some ways, but mostly she has been my one truly loyal and trusted friend.  She has allergies, she has a strong personality and doesn’t like to be brushed or bathed and certainly lives up to her name.  She has lately developed big kitty dreadlocks in her fur and they are getting too much for her to handle anymore.  I have been looking for a veterinarian locally who may be able to sedate her and shave these off for us. 

Then it hit me, this sweet cat is the longest closest good relationship I have had in this lifetime, including both of my parents and my brother.  She and I have been through so much together, so many ups and downs, moves, PTSD, jobs, depression, and even being homeless for awhile.  Diva is the oldest pet I have had in my life.  She is smart as hell too.  I hear her in pictures in my head.  Animals do talk, it’s a lot like what Telepathy would be, I guess.  She understands me too.  We are connected in a really special way.

After Dude went missing, Diva fell completely apart.  I mean bad.  She started chewing off half of her body fur and just was depressed beyond repair.  We were both destroyed by his loss.  We ended up moving to a cool pad behind a great Art College in the Rockridge District of Oakland/Berkeley, CA and within the second week I rescued a small short hair black girly kitten and named her “Gidget” – She was a Girl and a Midget.  Diva was pleasantly distracted.  They have become soul sisters and very close friends.

As long as they are safe and happy, I am okay.  I must be honest and say, that there have been times that if it weren’t for my two girls, I may have not made it.  I have learned so much from them, mostly unconditional love and remembering to purr and let myself be in the moment and enjoy it, completely.  The art of kitty Zen…..my sweet little Angels with fur.  Thanks for taking such good care of me.

Hope for the future...

I have been tired, I mean deep down to the bone tired of living lifetime after lifetime coming back to a world where there is so much suffering and pain.  I had decided that the next time I die, I'm going to have a sit down chat with the Creator and say I want a long soul vacation. 
How many of you have had this same feeling?

I have done all the self help, deep meditational, medical psycho-medicational, and just about every new age "Try to feel better" thing on the planet to figure out why I feel like such crap and everyone around me too.  I started to dig and do research on what actually IS GOING ON in the this world to try to make some sense of it all.  I researched into all the ancient texts, religions, conspiracies, studies of human brain, psychology, sociology, economics, politics, futurist and predictive measures, magic, forbidden secret cabals, the human spirit, the earth, nature itself.... and have learned much about who we are and how we have been operating here on this 3rd dimensional space.

The why has puzzled me too.  I'm pretty sure it has to do with Love and Creating cool stuff and sub-categories of such love in infinite ways of expression.  Not everyone, but deep down I believe All living things want to thrive more then just survive.  I have concluded that what systems we have in place currently stink.  It's not about blaming or fearing who we put in charge to watch over us anymore.  There is no doubt that the system has been compromised and is being managed by a spirit of scarcity and greed.  We need to take a moment and look at what we are doing to ourselves, one another and to our home - our planet.

I got REALLY INSPIRED when I found this video interview with a futurist Jacque Fresco here... 

Then found The Venus Project here... (Lot's of great ideas and videos in the link)

Then found the newest of a series of mind opening 2011 videos Newest Here...

I suggest watching the Zeitgeist Original Video Series here... (They are long, controversial and mind openingly interesting)

When I watched these, I felt a new sense of hope and purpose.  I felt YOUNG and EXCITED about living again.  I take most things with a grain of salt, and I have lot's of questions, but I like the ideas and can see a future I would like to come back too.  Change, I imagine will be rough, but I believe Jacque makes perfect sense, and the truth that all human beings having there basic needs be met would certainly make this world a better place to live.

I ENCOURAGE YOU TO CHECK THESE IDEAS OUT!