Saturn Retrograde 2019 - Clearing the past to create a new happy rewarding future - NOW!

I have been a student of astrology for the past 30 + years. It has helped me along my path to accept myself, especially the scary icky dark shadow parts.  Looking at where Saturn is in your natal chart and the aspects surrounding it have been an ass kicker for me, yet enlightening. I have found this to be true in paying close attention to Saturn square Saturn transits that happen every 7 years, when Saturn returns and then also when Saturn goes retrograde. 

If you have been following me along my journey, I survived my brutal Saturn square Saturn transit last year in 2018, and came out with a newfound deep respect for Saturn and the lessons he taught me. I paid for my own Karmic Hell Fire, learned my lessons the hard way and have worked very hard to clean up my life inside and out. It gave me a clarity and a full life cleansing that I needed to create a solid foundation to build a secure future upon. 

Saturn is a sobering experience and dreadfully serious, but necessary. It makes you reevaluate what the fuck you are doing, why, and then it gives you a chance to re-choose your life direction and who you want to share it with. (Look at your North Node for this) When you stand in your honest authentic truth and take the steps toward your true life direction, doors open. Amazing people enter your world that change you, help you learn your self worth and value.  

You haven’t seen much of me this year because I am working my booty off re-inventing myself behind the scenes.  I am creating a new career that feeds my passion and soul.  I changed my physical body 100% so I could live pain-free.  I am half the size I was in 2015, but twice as happy, full of energy and now I am grounded and fully engaged in being present in the Now. 

For a girl who spent most of her life not being “In her body” and mostly in my Brain (Sagittarius Sun in the 3^rd house of Gemini) = Major Mercurially Minded. Being fully associated in my body in present time, is a profound change for me.  I am sensual, sensitive and yet grounded now in a way I have never known before.  It’s like I still have training wheels on with my personal rig and need someone to teach me all that I have been missing and show me how it's done. 

I am new to the dating scene and little shy about it. I am hopeful. I want to explore all of the possibilities of my new found presence and sensual Being-ness with a loving, eager, stable, fun, emotionally available, loyal, teacher and friend. I want yummy schooling with someone I can trust. 

I want Love. I have sooooo much Love to give. I am sure there is someone out there with the same sort of self-awareness and presence that is capable of equal loving reciprocation. We will be both the student and teacher… The sensual laboratory, if you will… "Meta & Physical Research"... I am taking applications. 😉 Email me here to apply.

I have wasted too much of my life stuck in my head, not feeling all of the wonderland that is in my body and physical senses, I don't want to live another moment not fully appreciating ALL the life has to offer, now that I can in this new profoundly new way. I know this sounds weird, but I really do feel like a new person today. I AM.

The way I see it is, I am lucky if I have 40 years left to live in my life span as it stands. The next 20 of these years, I am going to make the best of my life. I will do my best to make this a reality, considering my age, current good health and energy level. I don't have ANY time to waste on bullshit. I have decided to make every second of my life count from here on out. HOW ABOUT YOU?  This is why I listen to Saturn's teachings so intently now. 

SATURN RETROGRADE 2019 DATES

Saturn appears retrograde in Capricorn from April 30th 2019 to September 18th 2019, between 20 and 13 degrees of the zodiac sign. We have from Spring and throughout Summer to revise our Saturnian structures, to see what needs improving.

Saturn is the strict disciplinarian of the planets and makes his way through a sign for about 3 years, and in the process,  he works it. With Saturn currently passing through CAPRICORN (since December 19th, 2017) the area governed by Capricorn for you personally will undergo a steady upgrade, with added responsibilities and a dash of discipline. You’ll learn limitations and boundaries in a certain facet of life and by the end of his tour feel upgraded and far more mature.

LISTEN TO THIS FOR BETTER EXPLANATIONS: The Timelines Are Sealing Sept 2019 - Are You Where You Want to Be? She is kind of extreme, but she has many good points to consider.

On September 14th, Saturn Goes Direct...

When Saturn turns to dole out his rewards of your hard work and integrity (Good Karma) or unresolved fears, self-deception, bullshit and fuckery, (Bad Karma) upon your ass, this will determine the next 12 years in this new cycle for you.

Jupiter is also involved in this huge event! YOU HAVE A CHANCE TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW LIKE NEVER BEFORE!

If you are in a job you hate, a lonely relationship or have not made peace with yourself about anything that may be holding you back from your full potential, if you feel stuck or too scared to leave any of these situations. GET OUT OF THESE ASAP! Decide to change. Or renegotiate and make a real brand new start with who you are with or where you are at. Call back your spirit and start living in your passion and joy again. Some of these may take a little time to wrap up, but decide on what you want NOW during this transit. IT IS VERY POWERFUL.

If you don't, your chances of staying stuck and trapped in the pain and bullshit will be extra difficult to get out of for the next 12 years. If you do, Saturn will help give you the building blocks and help you start a new chapter in your life for the better.

Saturn in Capricorn is about the duties and privileges—as well as the privilege of duty—that we face in an area of life. During this transit, we may be slowly stretched to inhabit a more mature, rounded understanding of this part of our chart. Inevitably, this may include meeting our personal limits, re-negotiating boundaries, or facing stiff denials. Seriousness and steadfastness are the order of the day, while any residual immaturity or desire to shirk off our responsibilities will be meet with stern rebukes during Saturn’s transit in Capricorn.

Although the lessons often feel harsh with Saturn and his transits (some even refer to him as the ‘Lord of Karma’), ultimately, he is a fair teacher.  Saturn’s pressurizing manner is generally less intense during its retrograde transits; with some of the heat off, we may feel more enabled to face the challenges of these transits with new eyes.  Saturn retrograde in Capricorn may have all of us particularly focused on meeting exacting standards and acting with integrity. 

In this direct phase you put into practice what you have learned. The outlook is much brighter and suggests that the Saturn retrograde lessons have been well learned. I hope Saturn rewards you with a rich happy new beginning that brings you what your heart and dreams have always longed for... INTO REALITY NOW. 

I like this article for a clear explanation.

Saturn Retrograde 2019: Clearing the Past By Jill Wintersteen

On Monday, April 29th, Saturn the planet of karma, responsibility and life lessons begins its four-month backward stint in our sky. Not to worry, Saturn Retrograde is nothing to panic over. It is not nearly as intense as Mercury Retrograde and won’t send our e-mail servers crashing down. Saturn Retrograde is a good thing. It slows down the pace of our lives just enough so we can reorganize and reassess our commitments.

Let's start by first understanding what happens when a planet is retrograde. Saturn takes about 29 years to orbit the Sun, that’s a lot longer than Earth, which means we pass it every year. When we are “catching up” to Saturn, it appears to be moving backward. Much like when a train passes a slower train. It’s not actually moving backward; it just appears that way. Saturn is retrograde for 4.5 months every year. This year it stations direct September 18th.

Saturn creates and governs the rules and regulations we live by as a society. It reminds us of our responsibilities to ourselves, our life, and to others. It also teaches us our hard life lessons and helps us work out our karma in various ways. Karma is energetic attachment, it’s neither positive or negative- it’s just energy we are “stuck” with until we work it out. For example, if we were not so kind to someone in a past relationship, our energy stays attached to that situation until we can detach it by making amends to the person or by learning how to resolve the issue through another relationship.

Karma does not necessarily need to be worked out with the person involved in the initial attachment, but with the resulting energy left within us. Once we work out our karmic attachments, we are free to evolve energetically. This, of course, can take lifetimes and is the reasoning behind reincarnations. We reincarnate into a form because of our karmic attachments. Essentially this life is all about detaching and clearing our karmic past as much as possible.

Saturn Retrograde slows things down a bit so we can reevaluate our life, including our karma. It gives us time to understand the deeper meaning of why we might attract the same circumstance repeatedly. It also brings our karma to the surface. We may find during Saturn Retrograde our past karma comes back so we may understand it in efforts to clear it from our energy. It’s all positive though! We want to work out as much karma as we can in this lifetime, so we are free to evolve. According to Hindu philosophy, the goal of each lifetime is to get a little closer to reaching enlightenment. The only way to do this is by clearing our karma.

Whether you believe in past lives or karma, over the next four months, pay attention to situations that feel familiar. They may be the same type of guy appearing in several “different” boyfriends, or you may find yourself in a similar situation again and again with different people. You’ll know karma when you see it. When you do recognize it, slow down and look for the place where healing is needed. Give space and attention to the part of you that needs healing and do what is necessary to detach from the energy. Work with release exercises through journaling and cleansing rituals. 

Awareness is key here. Once you become aware, you are on the road to detachment. On an Earthlier level, Saturn Retrograde gives us the time to re-evaluate our commitments. Saturn is now stationed in Capricorn. Both are hardworking, diligent energies, ready to motivate us to new heights. Saturn drives us to do our best work and work hard. It reminds us that no mountain is too high with the right effort and determination. Saturn is always driving us forward to reach new levels in our career, motivating us past our mental roadblocks, and strengthening our ability to discipline ourselves. Remember, Saturn Retrograde gives us a time to pause and re-evaluate our long-term commitments. Are your resounding yeses still resounding? Saturn Retrograde is a great time to change directions or get out of situations in which we feel trapped.

Charging ahead is wonderful, but we want to reaffirm we are on the right path for us. With this energy of reassessment, Saturn Retrograde is a great time to define our boundaries. Learn to say No to what is not meant for your energy. If something is not helping evolve our energy, we must learn to walk away and detach, so we are free to evolve in a different direction. Often, we say yes because we are afraid of saying No. Saturn Retrograde teaches us to clearly define what is acceptable and what is not in our life, so we can spend our energy on what really matters to our soul. Use this period to become clear about what you are allowing into your life and energetic field. If you don’t want something, or someone, figure out the karma that brought it to you. Learn the lesson of why you called it in the first place, then let it go.

Here’s a little checklist of things to think about while Saturn retro whack-a-moles us:

• Define your boundaries
•  Re-evaluate your commitments, especially time commitments (Saturn rules time)
• Re-organize your systems (including routines/disciplines- is that yoga schedule really working for you?)
• Keep yourself motivated- Retrograde can make us feel tired, inspire yourself with new activities.
• Get to the root of your karmic attachments- This will probably take more than one cycle of retrograde, but you need to start somewhere.
• Finally, don’t fear this retrograde. These are all good things! Slow down a bit and use the time to assure yourself that you are on the right track.
• Adjust where you need to and continue with what you want. Your energy will appreciate the confirmation, and you will be able to attract more of what you want after you give it the Saturn stamp of approval.

How will this affect you? Look to your Sun and Rising sign:

When Saturn appears retro it’s an opportune moment to take stock, and re-structure your interests. There could be some hard work to ‘redo’, more lessons to learn and structures to ‘fix up’. Here’s how it might play out for your zodiac sign… Interpretations by Kimberly Peta Dewhirst

Aries or Aries Rising

Saturn has been helping you get serious about your ambitions and has also helped you step up to the plate in a public capacity. Perhaps you’ve climbed the ladder a rung or two, or simply become more prominent (even famous) in your field – or perhaps this is what’s coming in the next couple of years, Aries…With Saturn Retrograde you could be in for a few lessons around your position in the world – think about your career, or what you’re most known for, as this is the area due to receive more restructuring. There could be some hard knocks for you now in this area, as you work that bit harder to achieve the same results. Think of career progress made since December 2017 and revisit those great strides, ready to drill down your strategy.

Taurus or Taurus Rising

With Saturn in Capricorn you’ve been getting serious about an exciting venture that means the world. You’ve been more able to broadcast your message and truth, sharing your knowledge, embarking on an adventure of higher learning or even traveling further afield in the pursuit of a global education. This is perhaps what’s on the cards for you these next few years Taurus! It’s been a favorable time for growth and international liaisons, and whatever your area of study or passion, you’re now urged to slow down. Until September, gently put the proper structures in place to help your venture thrive – know you’ll step into a position of more authority in years to come and that what you’re learning now is well worth it. Learn what you need to; get the necessary experience to ensure you’ve the best outlook possible, and while Saturn is retrograde ensure you’re following the right stream of interest.

Gemini or Gemini Rising

Saturn has been making his way steadily through your horoscope in the area of resources, finances, mergers and property. This is the ‘consummation’ area of the chart where you invest, and make real a serious commitment, perhaps a legal or financially binding agreement that’s permanent.  If the 7th house is where you meet and marry, the 8th is where you get down and dirty and have sex – this is the house akin to Scorpio, after all! On your agenda for the coming years is a ‘coming together’, to pool assets with a partner, pay off your own debt, or empower yourself in some way. This is also the house of death and transformation, so there may be some stark news or reality with hard Saturn passing through this area of the chart. With Saturn now making an about turn these themes could get a wee bit skewed. Take lots of pauses to review loans or the borrowing of money and any legal contracts you’re signing. It will be far easier to progress with your commitments in September, with Saturn moving ahead in this, the most intimate area of your chart.

Cancer or Cancer Rising

Saturn has been urging you to get serious in partnership since December 2017, helping you face others with realism. Relationships might have seemed hard work recently, and perhaps people you’re involved with have seemed cold or distant – a Saturnian vibe – or unable to give as much as you’d like, dealing with their own problems. You might be now taking partnerships in love or business way more seriously. Conversely, it could be other persons taking more responsibility for you, acting ‘the parent’. You’re closer than ever to knowing what you want in your collaborations, and who is the reliable +1 to invite to party. Saturn Retrograde prompts you to review how you deal one-on-one, without getting over sensitive, Crab cake. While this isn’t a time to rush into new commitments (and that goes for business collaborations too), you can heartily reassess where you stand, and evaluate the future duo you’d like – get serious about what you want and don’t be afraid to shoot for the stars – you deserve it!

Leo or Leo Rising

Serious Saturn has been passing through your health and wellness zone, Leo, focusing on routine matters and day-to-day tasks! Ask yourself now – how well is your schedule and diet serving you?

With Saturn now retrograde in the everyday area this encompasses where you go on a daily basis – your workplace or office. Over the summer months you can streamline, restructure and improve work matters, your job and fitness. The daily grind might get quite hard with disciplined Saturn dragging ass through this area of your horoscope, but hold on till September when relief is due.

Virgo or Virgo Rising

You’ve had wet-weekend Saturn trudging through your fun and romance sector since December 2017, Virgo, which has been prompting you to treat your intense passions more seriously. Your creative zone is getting Saturn’s stringent eye – so you might now be taking hobbies and interests to new levels, turning what you love into a more practical endeavor. Saturn’s allowing your talents to become a more serious part of your world. While love hasn’t been off the agenda it might have meant you got more serious about who stole your heart… Or you might have fallen for someone more mature! Either way you’ve been given a reality check, as the stern, stoic planet entered and set-up camp in the most playful area of your ‘scope. Saturn moving back through this area slows you down even more, so dating might seem harder to schedule and make time for. But this is in fact an incredibly positive time to review your approach to pleasure and who might make you smile – single Virgo’s can restructure their approach to finding Mr.(or Miss) Right, while coupled up Maidens can think more about what makes them authentically happy.

Libra or Libra Rising

Saturn has been restructuring your ‘family house’, your domestic set-up and home, or even your ‘work fam’, the surroundings that are your cosy nest, as well as how you gain emotional stability, Libra. You’ve likely been exploring your heritage and roots, and family patterns over Christmas and into 2019, with resulting changes to your personal life and where you reside. It’s now time to see that your ideas about family are true to you, realistic and worthy of future commitments. Revisit ideas around home that you’ve built since December 2017 – this could include how you see yourself living together with others, and how you gain emotional stability. If you’re looking to buy a house (or move) it might be way easier after September.

Scorpio or Scorpio Rising

You’ve had the planet of discipline touring your communication zone since late December 2017, bringing you an upgrade in the way you think and connect. You might have some hard knocks with peers or in conversation – from local neighbors – at home, school or in the office, the ‘siblings’ surrounding you or literally your brothers and sisters. Spring and summer offer you the chance to see that the lessons you’ve learned are being put to good use – writing, communicating and networking in your closest circles. Revisit the notes from your course and ensure you’re using the skills you’ve worked hard to pick up!

Sagittarius or Sagittarius Rising

Saturn has been working his way over your financials, tightening up your responsibilities as far as money matters go. Since December 2017 money might have seemed scarce, or simply you may have been aware of a feeling that comes with the “not enough to go round” – hardship vibes. Still, with Saturn’s tour of your material assets, done right you’ll be a far better position in years to come, and his tour will pay off handsomely. This interim period of spring-summer is all about looking at your finances and possessions to evaluate where you stand – realistically. Be responsible with personal savings and what you’ve earned; it’s about boundaries with your purse and spending. Look after your things Sagg!

Capricorn or Capricorn Rising

Capricorn, you have had Saturn in your sign since December 2017, which could feel rather comforting – your planet returning home to roost, propping you up in your rightful position of responsibility!  No doubt you’ve stepped into a sense of personal duty, or seen projects, plans and personal goals come into focus. Now it’s time to slow down and see that your initial plans are stable.

Take stock; this is an amazing time to stop and ensure firm personal boundaries are in place just for you! While it’s important not to ride yourself too hard it’s possible you’re embracing this sense of self-discipline – check you’re testing yourself in the right ways.  You might like to give yourself a health check (especially your bones and teeth), since Saturn governs the structural side of life and is passing through your most physical ‘self’ by planetary transit.

You might have lost weight since Saturn entered your sign late 2017 – be sure you’re getting enough joy and nourishment during this time. Saturn ain’t half hard. This is most important for Capricorns born early in the sign – late December birthdays!

Aquarius or Aquarius Rising

Saturn is one of your rulers (with Uranus), so with this planet in retrograde motion you could be feeling the pull to retreat and re-evaluate more acutely than most. Now inhabiting the area of closure and dreams, you might be resealing the holds of your ship, ensuring they’re watertight and that no man (or woman) can permeate the strong hold. It’s an excellent time to quit unwanted habits for you Aquarius! To surrender around ongoing plans or long-term strategies! This (the 12th house) is very much an unconscious, inward place for this planet to be transiting, you have three years to heal and work on important transitions and closure. You’ll be embracing heavy duty responsibilities in years to come, so use the summer to consider what needs to go in a major life transformation.

Pisces and Pisces Rising

Saturn has been hanging out in your wider networks and friendships zone since Christmas 2017, overhauling group dynamics and aligning you with an upgraded community with shared beliefs. You might even encounter powerful player in your circle or leverage some great connections! Saturn in Capricorn might also be manifested in particular authority figures in the wider world – a boss or colleague, family member or wise elder. With Saturn in this area of your horoscope you might want to re-envision your squad – what does your dream team really look like my fishy friend? Who are the associates you want to surround yourself and how best can you relate to them?

Dance me to the end of love...

Would you care to dance?

"Dance Me To The End Of Love"

by Leonard Cohen

Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin
Dance me through the panic 'til I'm gathered safely in
Lift me like an olive branch and be my homeward dove
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love
Oh let me see your beauty when the witnesses are gone
Let me feel you moving like they do in Babylon
Show me slowly what I only know the limits of
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the wedding now, dance me on and on
Dance me very tenderly and dance me very long
We're both of us beneath our love, we're both of us above
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the children who are asking to be born
Dance me through the curtains that our kisses have outworn
Raise a tent of shelter now, though every thread is torn
Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin
Dance me through the panic till I'm gathered safely in
Touch me with your naked hand or touch me with your glove
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love

Vampires are a pain in the neck...

Did I ever tell you about the time I figured out why my neck is so fucked up?  

The unconscious mind is an amazing thing to behold when it reveals things to you. I have suffered most of my life from neck pain.  I figured it was because my brain was too full of useless information that it became too heavy for my little neck to hold.  

After years of traction, chiropractic, bodywork and all kinds of other natural remedies, I one day realized what was going on.  When I would go to bed and was ready to turn the light off to go to sleep, I would do this weird thing and I didn’t know why.  

My neck is fucked up because I was always afraid that vampires were going to bite my neck in my sleep.

This was long before Ann Rice helped make vampires sexy and cool. Seriously, I saw some movie as a kid. I used to curl my shoulders as close around my ears as I could and pull the pillow snug over my ears and practically smothered myself with blankets around my face so the blood suckers could not find my neck. This was the only way I could finally feel safe enough as a child to go to sleep.  

Now, shoot forward in time 40 years. Some part of my unconscious mind was still doing this to protect me.  It wasn’t even true, or real, but this belief as a child was still protecting me.  These kind of beliefs are probably going on in everyone, whether we are aware of it or not.  Weird old unconscious beliefs could be sabotaging your success in relationships, career and as I found out, my health.

Old unconscious beliefs that may have been helpful for your survival as a child, are most likely no longer serving you now as an adult.  

When it finally hit me that I was still kind of doing this, I did have to laugh out loud, but it was a bloody “pain in the neck.” 😉   Just becoming aware of it and letting it go was enough to improve my sleep and my neck pain. I have minimal neck pain today.

Even weirder, my neck is one of my most sensual and sensitive places on my body. The thought of being sucked or bitten on my neck now makes me…HOT.  Who knew?  Learning that I still had this old belief kind of freaked me out at first.  I was embarrassed about this. I felt like something was wrong with me. It was just a mistaken belief.  Updating your unconscious beliefs is where real freedom, love and joy begins.

It took me some time to accept that I had weird old beliefs and that it was okay. Self acceptance, forgiveness and letting go of the old stuff inside me that just needed to be updated, are steps I am constantly taking to help me maintain the health and happiness as an un-vampire fan I am today.

Forgiveness isn’t easy for some, but when it happens inside of your heart, it sets you free.  We all make mistakes, do and say thoughtless things sometimes. It’s not the end of the world. There are some things that are much harder to forgive, but we are all fucked up in our own special ways - I forgive easily now. 

There are some people whose pride and egos limit the joy they can have because they choose not to give people a second chance, or even more challenging if we really did fuck it up bad, forgiving ourselves. Forgiving yourself is the key to unlocking the prison you have built around your heart out of self-preservation.  Protecting your tender loving heart (or neck) is an act of kindness, but doing it in this way only brings a lifetime of loneliness and pain.

 

You are lovable. You are enough, right now, exactly as you are. You don’t have to do anything to prove your worth, not if you accept yourself right now, where you are at in your life. You don’t have to accomplish more, do more, or reach a certain level of success. You don’t have to behave perfectly. You are worthy simply because you exist as a human being on this planet. There is room for you and all your messiness and confusion and pain.  There is nothing to be ashamed of. We are all in this together.

We are all just walking each other home.

Are you confused about your life purpose? You don’t have to figure it all out today or tomorrow or next year. Trust that you are living your purpose right now, that the questions are part of the journey and the journey is your purpose. You don’t need an impressive career. Whatever small or large thing you are doing now, changing diapers or cleaning houses or crunching numbers, it’s all important, it’s all perfectly part of the plan.

Are your relationships in shambles? Are you afraid you’ll be alone? Become really still for a moment and know you aren’t alone. Know that no one has this romance thing figured out. Even the people that seem like they do still go to bed lonely sometimes. 

Become really still and know that no matter who you are, no matter who you love, no matter what you’ve done, there is a love so much bigger than your romances.  A love that holds this tiny planet together, a love that transcends time and space and understanding, a love that is you and that will always be with you. Let this love hold you.

Have you done something you think is unforgivable? Do you hide in shame and guilt? Come into the light, speak your truth, you will find the light shines kindly on those who seek help. Know that you were doing the best you could in that moment.

There are generations of abuse and lies and pain that many of us are fighting to rise out of and away from. So make your apologies, release the guilt and shame and keep moving forward so we all can be free.  

Don’t be so hard on yourself. In the end it will never get you where you want to go. Practice radical self- acceptance and self -love.

Determine to love yourself so completely, so fully that everyone you come in contact with will feel loved simply by being around you.

Do this so you can be loved in the way you have always longed for.  Love and respect yourself.  Treat others the way You want to be treated.  LET GO OF THE PAST. This will allow whoever you end up with and share a family and life with and travel and explore the world with, TO LOVE YOU COMPLETELY, and YOU THEM, and you will be HOME, SAFE and HAPPY. Security, Peace and HELLA GOOD LOVIN' await you, all you need is to reach out and take that leap of faith.

Is Unconditional Love Real?

I’m really weird, but you may have gathered that by now…

I have been off the sugar and alcohol since January. I feel amazing. It's the first time I have been this brain numbing sober for this long. I have been thinking a lot, which is something I need to cut back on.

I have seriously been contemplating where my beliefs have originated. Why do I believe the things I do? I have spent my whole life asking questions, challenging the culture, religions, family values, history, myths, and tore down everything inside myself to unravel the why, how, where and what I believe.

The one thing I am all about is empowering the individual to find their true self, find compassion, respect and truly love themselves completely to build a foundation upon.

I have enjoyed philosophy, ethics, linguistics and the deeper aspects of psychology of the human mind and how it relates to a rich happy self-concept, identity and how this relates in all kinds of relationships, including romantic. If you have gathered by now, I am rather unconventional in my beliefs about pretty much everything compared to the rest of the world, and this is because I have taken the time to find the truth of which I am, and what I find that resonates inside me. I highly recommend this. 

You do not hear me speak fuck all on politics, religion or the latest “psyop” being spun in our current culture anymore. I'm not a fan of the "liar-archy", so I don't give it much of my energy. I live more by “Concepts” than beliefs because I am still gathering information. They seem to be evolving as I live and learn from my life experiences and interactions in all areas of my life and what I observe in others around me. This is why I am such a huge fan of trail blazers, people who are passionate and fight for what is moral and question the very belief in authority.

Much of the process of defining what you believe is in the redefining what your language means to you. What is the difference between loyalty and faithfulness? Why are the rules for a close friendship so different from a romantic relationship? Are humans meant to be monogamous? Is there such a thing as unconditional love? I think only you can find these answers for yourself.

I have been behind the scenes making more wrinkles in my forehead with way too many deep thoughts about how to answer some of these questions. What was the precipice of my change? When you sit down and try to explain it in simple terms to someone else, it ain’t easy.

I was a wounded lost soul. It took years of me being outside the reality to heal and understand life. I stepped back and took a long hard look at EVERYTHING about human nature, myself and paid very close attention to what people were afraid to talk about, what was being hidden, what was forbidden, and took notes on the outcomes of those who seemed to have a clue. I deep dived within myself and did the hard core work until I was able to free myself of the conditioning. I highly recommend this too. 

In trying to find the words to describe my personal experiences in what was the deciding factor in finally truly discovering Love, Real Love for myself, it may have come from honest full self-acceptance, the crazy wild deep loving Ayahuasca experience (Okay go ahead and laugh...but seriously...Love was not even close to describing what I felt, it was WAY, WAAAY BETTER), having my heart broken so many times it finally was cracked open, or just learning how to let go of everything, simplify my life and just was able to BE HERE in the NOW. 

I changed little ol' me for the better.

I think the core of it was forgiveness, compassion, and feeling that soft and protective love like I would for a child, for myself. I freed my soul, called back my spirit and found myself worth fighting for. I have to be accountable now. My opinion of me now matters. Your opinion of me, is none of my business. : )

Identifying and spending the time to heal what your core wounds, may be (and we all have them), be it from childhood trauma, attachment style from your caregivers as a child are key in being able to allow yourself to Love and receive Love with another person as an adult.

I have learned much in my intimate relationships in the past. I am a sensual and sexual being, and have had to learn the balance between Love, Sex, and the types of sexual addiction people can get stuck in without realizing it, and how to become safe and brave enough to trust myself and another person to be emotionally, physically and even spiritually vulnerable with in an intimate partnership. Inside this healing and knowledge is what allows two people real connection.  This is the difference between good sex and Great Sex. : )

Being able to accept and love yourself no matter what, is a practice. Self care, discipline, rituals that keep you in check with yourself are great ways to manage your emotional and psychological health. These are especially helpful if you do find yourself scared, or triggered in any situation.

Being able to know you can rely on yourself or ask for help are the steps to deep love, security, peace and happiness in life.

I am able to see the child in everyone, and find love in even the darkest most wounded beings. There is something inside my consciousness that has no conditions or judgments or expectations in this part of my heart. I don't know if this is what unconditional love is. Is Love a verb, an adjective or a noun?

I am a lover. I Lerve loving. I don't think I was actually capable of truly loving someone intimately until I had found true love in my own heart for myself.  I can’t call this unconditional love because I had to prove my love to myself by my actions and results. These results have allowed me to gain self-respect and trust. It was completely conditional. I had to demonstrate by my actions and prove my self worth, to me.

I also have a heart that enjoys letting life unfold and not have too many expectations. Being 'Present in the now' often, makes this a natural side effect. I do have conditions, standards in romantic relationships, and friendships I live by. I also am insanely ambitious, goal focused and hustle hard in delivering results so I can share a creative, profitable, fun and beautiful 'Happily Rad Ever After' with some super duper future lucky guy.

I know I will make mistakes and will embarrass myself, take risks and fail miserably at things, I am not afraid to try new things. I am not afraid to look at myself and take responsibility for my projections, my mistaken communications that may be a result of my unconscious fears. Today I have a love and freedom that accepts all of this no matter what. How is this possible?

What is unconditional love? Is it even real? I feel kind of like a philosophical, analytical Alien coming back from outer space, and now officially back in the land of the dating world for the first time in a decade. Don't get all excited, I don't have a friggin clue how to date, but I am willing to learn.

Loving now feels so different than ever in my life with a full heart. I am more present, open, and have so much love to give now. Doing this without any 'liquid courage' also adds a way weird, yet BETTER dimension too! WHO KNEW?  I have a great capacity for giving and receiving Love.

I am powerful in a new way that I am only beginning to understand. I’m curious about learning more about love in all it's exquisite expressions. I'm forever a student of life and of loving.  I was like sleeping beauty locked away in a tower.  I have been delightfully awakened.  I am ready to learn about real intimate love.

I found this article very interesting:
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The True Meaning of Unconditional Love

By a conscious rethink

Some people regard unconditional love as pure fantasy, a myth that has been shared and searched for throughout human history. Others believe that it is not only real, but the most real thing there is.

This article will suggest that it is absolutely possible to love unconditionally, but that many people simply misunderstand what it means to do so.

We’ll explore the themes and weigh up the points of debate to try and give a clear explanation of love in its unconditional form.

Unconditional = Selfless
The literal meaning of the word unconditional is without conditions, but how does this translate into reality? To answer this, you have to first consider what conditional love is.

Conditional love is an attachment to and feeling for someone that depends on them behaving in a certain way. At its heart is the premise that the person giving the love (the lover) does so because they get something back in return – namely a response from the person receiving the love (the beloved) that meets their, often unrealistic, expectations.

More accurately, it is the love that relies upon the beloved NOT acting in a way that the lover finds unacceptable or intolerable. Unconditional love, on the other hand, exists in the absence of any benefit for the lover. It transcends all behavior and is in no way reliant upon any form of reciprocation.

It is completely and utterly selfless. It cannot be given in as much as it flows without effort from one’s heart rather than coming consciously from one’s mind.  There is nothing that can stand in the way of unconditional love.

Wishing The Best For The Beloved
With selflessness comes the ultimate desire to see the beloved flourish and find contentment. It doesn’t have to involve any actions on the part of the lover, but it often does. Sometimes it even involves a level of personal sacrifice. It is the driving force that spurs you on to do whatever you can to help your beloved become the best version of themselves.

It First Requires Self-love
In order to love someone unconditionally, you must start by loving yourself the same way. You must learn to accept who you are without seeking to change. If you insist that change is necessary, you are putting conditions on the love you have for yourself. This is not to say that change will not take place, but it will be natural, unforced, and unlooked for. Only when you stop chasing changes in yourself can you begin to love others without their needing to change. It is then that love can be deemed unconditional.
 

Believing In The Good That One Possesses
When love is given without condition, it is a sign that you are able to see the very worst in someone and yet still believe that they are worthy of your compassion. It is the part of you that forgives the seemingly unforgivable when no one else is able to.

Unconditional love does not judge and it does not give up on those whom society may deem as immoral or evil. It is the conviction to see beyond a person’s outward flaws to focus, instead, on the inner being that some may call a soul.

It Can’t Be Said, Only Felt
The first misconception about unconditional love is that you can declare it to someone. There is a chance that you are experiencing it, but you may also be feeling something very close to it, but in some way lacking.

There is no way to predict how you may react to a person in a given set of circumstances. You may find that there are limits to your love that you were simply unaware of previously.  Because of the innate uncertainty of the future, unconditional love can exist only as a feeling and not as a mental or verbal concept (this article itself can by no means describe the very essence of it).

You will never know for sure whether what you feel is unconditional love, but this in no way disproves its existence.

A Relationship Does Not Have To Be Unconditional Too
Another common misunderstanding is the belief that unconditional love requires you to accept whatever your beloved does to you. It is, however, possible for the relationship to have various conditions upon it – certain boundaries – but for the love to have none.

You can make a choice to end a relationship because it involves abuse or because your beloved has acted in a way that you cannot stomach. This does not have to mean the end of your love for them.

It is quite possible to still wish the best for them, see the good in them, and accept them as they are – the properties of unconditional love described above. It may be that you will love them from a distance rather than get caught up in a situation that could be self-destructive.

Relationships are mere partnerships between two people. A relationship is not a feeling – it is not love of any kind – it is merely the vessel in which love can be housed. Should the partnership become unsustainable, the vessel can break, but the love does not always cease to be; it can be moved outside of the relationship and exist by itself.

This is because unconditional love has no basis in the actions and behaviors of the beloved. Your lives may end up taking utterly different paths to the point where a relationship becomes impossible, but your love for them does not diminish.

You Can Experience Negative Emotions At The Same Time
Unconditional love does not mean that you feel warmth and affection towards your beloved at all times; you are human after all. You can be angry at them, frustrated with them, and hurt by them while still loving them. Having arguments does not diminish the love that comes truly free of conditions. Just as the waves atop an ocean do not impact the depths below, the natural highs and lows of a relationship cannot penetrate deep enough to affect the underlying feeling.

Unconditional Love From A Spiritual Perspective
Many religions and spiritual practises involve the concept of non-duality and this can be another source of unconditional love. When you feel separate from others, you have a choice as to whether or not you love them, but if you look upon your neighbor as you would look upon yourself, love is almost inevitable.

If you live free from the mental barriers that exist in the majority of people and experience the universe and everything in it as being of you, why would you choose anything other than love? While rare, this type of unconditional love does exist in some people.

There Should Be No Guilt Where It Is Lacking
You may feel it towards another or you may not, but the absence of unconditional love is not something to feel guilty about. As much as you may wish to feel this way and rationally see reasons for doing so, it cannot be willed into being. This type of love cannot be wished for, chased, or accumulated; it can only be.

It may hurt to realize that your love for another has conditions, but this is not something you can control. So do not beat yourself up when your love for someone fades, if it was meant to keep burning, it would have done.
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I'm not sure what I believe yet. I trust in my process and my heart. I'm open minded, yet still kind of an old fashioned girl. I try of keep a balance. Clearly, I am dreadfully serious about shit in my monkey mind. This is why I am such a goofball the rest of the time.

Being centered in love as a practice was not easy at first.  I still cringe and laugh out loud at my own ridiculous inner dry, dark and wicked commentary at times.

Let's LOVE world!  It starts inside ourselves and how we communicate.

My commitment is to apply this to my inner voice when I hear any bullshit, and then before I open my mouth ...

“Before you speak, let your words pass through three gates:
At the first gate, ask yourself “Is is true?”
At the second gate ask, “Is it necessary?”
At the third gate ask, “Is it kind?”

~ Rumi

DO YOU BELIEVE IN UNCONDITIONAL LOVE?

I'd love to hear from you in the comments below.  

The Library...

I love old books kind of the same way I love old trees...

My mother spent her lifetime researching and reading everything metaphysical. After she passed away, I was gifted this most incredible library of rare and amazing metaphysical books from her beautiful hand crafted custom built library - at least 4000 + books total. It was my most precious treasure and cherished connection to my mother.  But let me tell you, (Hear me say this in my most ridiculous New Yorker Jewish accent) THAT IS A HELLUVA LOTTA BOOKS for a single girl to keep, while trying to make it in show business.

The largest most beautiful wood frame of the library itself was safely packed as well as all of the books were stored carefully in a dark cool storage space deep in the bowels of Silicon Valley during the Dot Com Boom. Money was flowing well back then and I could afford to keep such a luxury, even though it was way too big for my apartment.

I was able to give the bookcases to my brother to enjoy to keep them in the family. The books lived in my storage unit until the very rough income down turn and crash in 2001, a month before 911. I lost that storage unit to an auction because I could no longer afford the payments and had to relocate to San Francisco to find better work. THE BIGGEST REGRET OF MY LIFE.

I was reminded of my dream of this yesterday in a beautiful conversation. I have always wanted to rebuild that master library in her honor, yet make it even bigger, better and more beautiful. It's yummy being a sentimental romantic girl at heart, but tough when she gets attached to big heavy hard to move keepsakes.  My friends who had helped move all of those boxes were relieved, that is for sure. 😉

I will never give up on the dream of rebuilding that library, and even though I may have lost her old books. I hope to create a new one in her honor one day. The fact that I have dyslexia played a factor in this as well. I read, just really slow. This is why I use audio books now for most all of my reading. I can hear the book and be doing other stuff at the same time. But I love the smell and feel of old wise books. Especially ones that will never be available in audio form. I still want Dem books.

We are writing new chapters every day of our own lives. This one so far this year for me is sizzling, happy, exciting, passionate, deeply rewarding, fun and creatively inspired more than ever in my life!

I have been gathering beautiful well written songs that speak to my heart to cover in my new Trés Jazz music project.  One song that I am working on as a jazz arrangement is this one...

This song speaks to me... check out these lyrics:

The Book of Life

Songwriters: Gordon Sumner & Sting

Let me watch by the fire and remember my days

And it may be a trick of the firelight

But the flickering pages that trouble my sight

Is a book I'm afraid to write

It's the book of my days, it's the book of my life

And it's cut like a fruit on the blade of a knife

And it's all there to see as the section reveals

There's some sorrow in every life

If it reads like a puzzle, a wandering maze

Then I won't understand til the end of my days

I'm still forced to remember,

Remember the words of my life

There are promises broken and promises kept

Angry words that were spoken, when I should have wept

There's a chapter of secrets, and words to confess

If I lose everything that I possess

There's a chapter on loss and a ghost who won't die

There's a chapter on love where the ink's never dry

There are sentences served in a prison I built out of lies.

Though the pages are numbered

I can't see where they lead

For the end is a mystery no-one can read

In the book of my life

There's a chapter on fathers a chapter on sons

There are pages of conflicts that nobody won

And the battles you lost and your bitter defeat,

There's a page where we fail to meet

There are tales of good fortune that couldn't be planned

There's a chapter on gawd that I don't understand

There's a promise of Heaven and Hell but I'm damned if I see

Though the pages are numbered

I can't see where they lead

For the end is a mystery no-one can read

In the book of my life

Now the daylight's returning

if one sentence is true

All these pages are burning

And all that's left is you

Though the pages are numbered

I can't see where they lead

For the end is a mystery no-one can read

In the book of my life.

Staying Glamorous in Vanlife

Since the new year, I have stepped up my game at the gym. I’m up at 4:30am and in the gym by 5:00am. It’s the spin, the weights and machines, and then into the pool for what I call my “House Laps” with my waterproof MP3 player and then I hit the showers. I do this 5 days a week.

Swimming and color treated hair are an ever-changing experience. No matter what size swim cap you wear, your hair is going to get wet.  So, you need to condition and color your hair more often if you are a swimmer that washes her hair every day. The color fades fast. It costs $90 - $120 at the salon to have your hairdresser do this. 

How do you color your own hair when you live in a van full time and shower at a gym?

It’s too big a pain in ass to ask your friends if you can use their shower every 4 weeks. Last night I very carefully applied the hair color to my hair in the van while parked in the parking lot of my 24 hour gym. I waited 45 minutes and then wrapped up my head in a Durag and put a leopard print baseball cap on it and strutted my booty into the gym like a Harlem rapper. 

I was lucky enough to find a single private shower stall that did not share a drain with the shower next door. I got undressed, flung my clothes and the two clean towels over the tall shower door. There were about three other ladies in the shower room at the time.

I unwrapped my head and turned on the hot shower and began to rinse out the deep red auburn hair dye from my glorious soon to be mane.  Some got into my eyes and started to sting, so I rinsed it out as fast as I could and then opened my eyes and looked down at the tile floor.

It looked like a murder scene. Dark red spatters, dripping down the walls, the door and all over the place.  

Alfred Hitchcock would have been proud.  

It started to move out from under the shower door and into the public hallway.  Luckily, I was able to stop it with one of the towels. I washed it all out, cleaned up the shower stall well. I felt bad about that gym towel I dyed a nice dark pink color, but it was better than hearing screams from the woman near by at the terrifying sight of gallons of watered-down blood.

I got dried off and dressed, put the baseball cap back on it, and strolled out of that gym bathroom like a Queen.

If you are a glamorous person with high standards of personal hygiene, style, like to stay in shape and must always have fabulous hair...

YOU CAN STILL HAVE ALL THE GLAM IN VANLIFE.  

You are the hero of your own journey....

I saw the Superhero fantasy action adventure Movie AQUAMAN last night and it blew my flippers off.  There was one quote that stayed with me all night.  It's the scene before Arthur goes to get the Trident...

Arthur: I’m not a king.

Mera: Atlantis has always had a king. Now it needs something more.

Arthur: But what could be greater than a king?

Atlanna: A hero.  A King thinks only of protecting his kingdom and nation, a Hero thinks of protecting EVERYONE.

I feel like this, like I am a hero in my heart, for the spirit of all humanity.

I have lived a life as a hero of my own journey and have survived to tell the tale and teach the lessons I have learned.   

I went through the first half of my life exploring what and why I was here, and suffered much along the journey, but NEVER giving up hope, or the fight in the pursuit of Truth of Reality of existence and why - searching for the true Spark of Life, Love, Meaning and taking the long road to get here.

It's not like I know the secrets of the Universe or anything, but if I can help one person who has lost hope, feels trapped and or just can't get out of bed, I GOT SOME GOOD STUFF FOR Y'ALL.  I have been there. 

I am making it up as I go along just like the rest of you, but I did make it through the full journey with some seriously cool insights that seem to have allowed me to CHANGE MY STARS. I can't believe I am going to say this out loud but, I am grateful to have gone through my past. It makes more sense now. It's always easier after the fact. I honestly can say I am more present and happy to be alive than ever in maybe all of my lives.

Fight the good fight. Love yourself through it, that is the only real way lasting change happens. Work smarter, hustle harder!  I think he may be right... "Persistence and endurance will make you omnipotent.” – Casey Neistat

The wisdom that you experience once you have connected to yourself and find your true home within You, is hard to describe. This is why I have the domain name Really Weird Stuff.com. Trying to describe what I have learned over the course of my life is really weird.

"We run with those who search for the truth and avoid those who claim they have found it." - Miguel Conner

I have gathered videos, lessons and have found other weirdo’s who I think have a clue, and are deep in their own quests, and are putting out valuable content, that I do believe will help you and Everyone alive along their journey.  If I know anything it is that, everything is a story.  

You are writing the story of You whether you are aware of it right now or not.  Over my life, I learned if I wanted to change my life for the better, I had to believe I could even when I didn't believe in myself.  Sometimes that took "Acting as if I were already that," and then behaving every hour as if I was that.  Modeling those who had the qualities, talents I admired. Within time, I BECAME THAT. 

What part of your story are you in right now? You are not your heritage, your family, your lineage. You are not your wounds, your scars, you are not what anyone has ever told you...you are.  

YOU ARE WHAT YOU DECIDE, EVERY NEW DAY. 

"Write your own gospel and live your own myth, or someone else will do that for you."  - Miguel Conner