I pulled into the work parking lot this morning, parked my art car in the usual spot. I got out and went to the bus stop area to wait for the next shuttle to take me to my office. When I went to put my bag down, I stood up and my pants fell down. I mean, like they dropped to my ankles. No one was there, thank Dobbs!
I am down 19 pounds today on this low carb lifestyle. But get this, I have lost 18 1/2 inches all over. I noticed the pants were pretty loose when I put them on, but it's new for me to get used to losing weight this steadily. I'm not ready to go shopping yet. It's been ten weeks now. I'm doing this slowly. I'm not dieting, so it doesn't feel real on some level. I just know that these pounds are from my past, and are not coming back. I'm taking care of business. I know what to eat and not thinking much about it. I'm not in big anticipation of being thin. Actually, I am noticing the feelings that are coming up around not being so big. I think being smaller and cute made me feel vulnerable and weak on some level. This time my smaller cuter ass is going to pack some heat and some martial arts skills.
I was raped once by a someone I knew and trusted. I was mugged once putting change in the meter at a side street unattended parking lot in Union Square on my lunch break in broad daylight. An ex-husband punched me in the face once and then used to corner me in the house and rough me up more. I was attacked once from behind late at night walking to my car after a jazz gig and barely escaped. I was shopping one day after work in Oakland and had a guy put a gun in my face and steal my purse. A creepy guy I barley knew that I used to work with broke into my apartment when he knew I was at work. He rigged a wire on my phone to record my phone conversations. I found the wire when I was moving. I had no idea who had tapped my phone at the time. But he also found my diaries and read them and put post-it notes in them with comments and mentioned the phone tapping. I didn't find those until I was unpacking after my relocation long after I had left the job and the town. When the police went to track him down, he was nowhere to be found. Do you think I have trust issues?
I felt that being small and attractive made me a target for all kinds of assholes. I was a trusting and nice girl, which made me a gullible dumb shit to predators. I certainly used to give people the benefit of the doubt more. I ended up falling in love with a very charming narcissist sociopath. That experience and how it ended changed me forever. It has played a huge role in my self esteem and trusting my own judgement when it comes to people I trust intimately, but I have certainly learned the hard way. No matter how high functioning a psychopath or sociopath is, if you keep a safe distance and give it enough time, their patterns are predictable. Their mask starts to slip and you will eventually see the truth.
Needless to say, I have been shy when it comes to dating, or being vulnerable in general. My own family has sadistic assholes. I stay away from them because it hurts me to see what they do. I have spent the last 10 years in deep study of Sociopathic, Psychopathic and Narcissistic behaviors and have had the opportunity to interact with them on a daily basis and have been taking notes and keeping my distance. People who have no conscious. People who start their own cult following that have a very high opinion of their own opinion and think they are more brilliant then anyone else alive. They are pathological lying predatory camillians that change to fit where ever they can to manipulate whoever and where ever they want. They shape themselves to be what they think you want them to be convincingly. Highly manipulative smart people who use others up and destroy their lives because, they can.
They are usually at the top of the food chain in business, groups or organizations. They are sitting across from you in the board room. Bad fucking evil people that seem so sincere. They are the political people you know that are at the top in their field. Some are bottom feeders, manipulating, lying, lazy douche bags imposing guilt on kind care giving loving people, sucking souls, lives and bank accounts dry. I am extra aware of them. They are in key positions in our governments and ruthless. I actually don't consider many of them human. 6% or more of the US population are either a Sociopaths/Psychopaths. 85% of that statistic are men. There is no cure for them, no rehabilitation is possible. Stay away from them at all costs. Here is some support for those of you who need help if you are in a relationship with a Psychopath.
Here are three videos by Stefan Verstappen the author of "The Art of Urban Survival", you need to watch to get a better idea of what I am talking about and what you can do about them.
I think many people get fat to from the stress that psychopaths and sociopaths in power have created in our world. Stress, we are bombarded with it on the news non-stop. It's as if we are being conditioned and desensitized to accept this clear sick soulless careless violence is normal for us. It is not. Imagine what a better world it would be if psychopaths were not running the show? It would end war and tyranny. It would bring back the empathy and compassion needed to the spirit of humanity. If we didn't have such psychopaths in positions of power making decisions, there wouldn't be a need for such an enormous defense budget. If we stopped spending that much money on the war machine and more on creating, building safe dwellings, self sustaining gardens for food, clothing and medical help for every man woman and child on this planet, imagine what a better world it would be.
For as harsh as it is, it is beautiful. There is amazing beauty in every painful crack of it. It is stressful to be here, but it is worth it. Yet, when it comes to relationships or dating in general, doggy and kitty cuddling, java chip ice cream and a great movie are safer and less work any day of the week. Before you know it, you are shopping at "Lane Giant", for big girl pants. Spending too much time on your face and hair and avoiding full length mirrors in your house. I have my own level of histrionics to live with. I am an artistic personality, it is exhausting being me. When you spent a majority of your life walking around with a core of un-lovableness, and someone would give you a genuine compliment and you would allow yourself to believe them, it is like sipping a glass of ice cold water in a very hot desert. When you are that thirsty, you may surprise yourself when you find yourself gulping impolitely. It can be embarrassing. You can only quench your real thirst when you find your own inner endless loving water fountain and remember stay the hell out of the desert.
I strive for balance in myself, but have to watch it on my over the top self expression in places where it is not appropriate. That is why being on stage as a vocalist and artist feel so comfortable to me and why a majority of my life is also spent in hibernation. It was like I was born for circus life. I kind of am my own circus show even when I'm alone. Even when I am asleep. I never get bored - EVER. I have many artist, actor, comedian and musician friends that have similar personal dynamics. The artcar artists are the most unique in my opinion. We dance to the beat of our own gong and wear our freak flags proudly. One thing I do know is, I must express myself creatively or I will eventually explode. As long as I am creating, designing, planning, writing, singing and playing, I am okay and in balance. Age and a stronger sense of grounding have mellowed me out. I feel my simpler life with better quality friends is fulfilling enough for me. When I do feel my well running dry, I get all dressed up and stand under the spotlight and sing a jazz gig. Or I create something creatively grand and fun and sit back and watch peoples reaction to it. Or I will try out some new recipe on my pals and throw a fun dinner music party. People like me make the world a more colorful place and we feel compelled to do it. I get personal validation from the smiles, laughs and hugs from sharing joy, love and connection with others. I end up feeling loveable and full to the top with happiness. Creating beauty is great, but it's much better to share with someone you love, and hopefully that includes you with yourself. My mission is to help fill the smile gap and expose and nurture truth and beauty in all living things.
I think I also let myself get fatter because I didn't want the unwanted attention I used to get. I didn't like my own reaction to me getting all of that attention. It would feel good at first, but then I would get over stimulated and run for cover. That has been my dance. I'm older now, so I won't have to worry about that anymore. Who would have thought turning 50 would be such a good thing? Carrying all that weight around was hard on my joints, legs, sleep and attitude. Most of all, I was suffering from hiding my own power and light from the world. I know for me, my fat did play a positive role. I bet this may be true for many people out there. No wonder we kept the excess weight on. Today I am sick of it. All of those shitty things that happened to me in my past used to make me feel afraid and helpless. I have suffered depression for years. My body rejected the prescription meds the doctors kept dealing me. I had to fire all the doctors and get off the meds and save myself. I did, and I still am. I had to face my Reality head on, look in the full length mirror and deal with it, with patience and compassion for myself and a vision of hope for what I know was possible in me. Doing art and music and finding great friends to laugh with have been my saving grace.
I don't have to be physically bigger to feel safe or padded enough to withstand the harshness of the world. I am coming out of this fat hibernation to kick ass and take names. I am as mad as hell and won't be taking that shit anymore. I am a fist of fury to those who take advantage of weaker more vulnerable people. I am getting stronger, leaner and more powerful so I can defend those who can't. It started with me validating myself and learning how to defend myself. As the weight melts off of me, I replace it with physical strength and confidence from my self defense and firearm skills. I am now safer to be beautiful in our world and I hope to be an example to others on how you can be powerful and strong without hiding who you are and slowly killing yourself out of self preservation. I understand why people do.
I am down 19 pounds today on this low carb lifestyle. But get this, I have lost 18 1/2 inches all over. I noticed the pants were pretty loose when I put them on, but it's new for me to get used to losing weight this steadily. I'm not ready to go shopping yet. It's been ten weeks now. I'm doing this slowly. I'm not dieting, so it doesn't feel real on some level. I just know that these pounds are from my past, and are not coming back. I'm taking care of business. I know what to eat and not thinking much about it. I'm not in big anticipation of being thin. Actually, I am noticing the feelings that are coming up around not being so big. I think being smaller and cute made me feel vulnerable and weak on some level. This time my smaller cuter ass is going to pack some heat and some martial arts skills.
I was raped once by a someone I knew and trusted. I was mugged once putting change in the meter at a side street unattended parking lot in Union Square on my lunch break in broad daylight. An ex-husband punched me in the face once and then used to corner me in the house and rough me up more. I was attacked once from behind late at night walking to my car after a jazz gig and barely escaped. I was shopping one day after work in Oakland and had a guy put a gun in my face and steal my purse. A creepy guy I barley knew that I used to work with broke into my apartment when he knew I was at work. He rigged a wire on my phone to record my phone conversations. I found the wire when I was moving. I had no idea who had tapped my phone at the time. But he also found my diaries and read them and put post-it notes in them with comments and mentioned the phone tapping. I didn't find those until I was unpacking after my relocation long after I had left the job and the town. When the police went to track him down, he was nowhere to be found. Do you think I have trust issues?
Needless to say, I have been shy when it comes to dating, or being vulnerable in general. My own family has sadistic assholes. I stay away from them because it hurts me to see what they do. I have spent the last 10 years in deep study of Sociopathic, Psychopathic and Narcissistic behaviors and have had the opportunity to interact with them on a daily basis and have been taking notes and keeping my distance. People who have no conscious. People who start their own cult following that have a very high opinion of their own opinion and think they are more brilliant then anyone else alive. They are pathological lying predatory camillians that change to fit where ever they can to manipulate whoever and where ever they want. They shape themselves to be what they think you want them to be convincingly. Highly manipulative smart people who use others up and destroy their lives because, they can.
They are usually at the top of the food chain in business, groups or organizations. They are sitting across from you in the board room. Bad fucking evil people that seem so sincere. They are the political people you know that are at the top in their field. Some are bottom feeders, manipulating, lying, lazy douche bags imposing guilt on kind care giving loving people, sucking souls, lives and bank accounts dry. I am extra aware of them. They are in key positions in our governments and ruthless. I actually don't consider many of them human. 6% or more of the US population are either a Sociopaths/Psychopaths. 85% of that statistic are men. There is no cure for them, no rehabilitation is possible. Stay away from them at all costs. Here is some support for those of you who need help if you are in a relationship with a Psychopath.
Here are three videos by Stefan Verstappen the author of "The Art of Urban Survival", you need to watch to get a better idea of what I am talking about and what you can do about them.
For as harsh as it is, it is beautiful. There is amazing beauty in every painful crack of it. It is stressful to be here, but it is worth it. Yet, when it comes to relationships or dating in general, doggy and kitty cuddling, java chip ice cream and a great movie are safer and less work any day of the week. Before you know it, you are shopping at "Lane Giant", for big girl pants. Spending too much time on your face and hair and avoiding full length mirrors in your house. I have my own level of histrionics to live with. I am an artistic personality, it is exhausting being me. When you spent a majority of your life walking around with a core of un-lovableness, and someone would give you a genuine compliment and you would allow yourself to believe them, it is like sipping a glass of ice cold water in a very hot desert. When you are that thirsty, you may surprise yourself when you find yourself gulping impolitely. It can be embarrassing. You can only quench your real thirst when you find your own inner endless loving water fountain and remember stay the hell out of the desert.
I strive for balance in myself, but have to watch it on my over the top self expression in places where it is not appropriate. That is why being on stage as a vocalist and artist feel so comfortable to me and why a majority of my life is also spent in hibernation. It was like I was born for circus life. I kind of am my own circus show even when I'm alone. Even when I am asleep. I never get bored - EVER. I have many artist, actor, comedian and musician friends that have similar personal dynamics. The artcar artists are the most unique in my opinion. We dance to the beat of our own gong and wear our freak flags proudly. One thing I do know is, I must express myself creatively or I will eventually explode. As long as I am creating, designing, planning, writing, singing and playing, I am okay and in balance. Age and a stronger sense of grounding have mellowed me out. I feel my simpler life with better quality friends is fulfilling enough for me. When I do feel my well running dry, I get all dressed up and stand under the spotlight and sing a jazz gig. Or I create something creatively grand and fun and sit back and watch peoples reaction to it. Or I will try out some new recipe on my pals and throw a fun dinner music party. People like me make the world a more colorful place and we feel compelled to do it. I get personal validation from the smiles, laughs and hugs from sharing joy, love and connection with others. I end up feeling loveable and full to the top with happiness. Creating beauty is great, but it's much better to share with someone you love, and hopefully that includes you with yourself. My mission is to help fill the smile gap and expose and nurture truth and beauty in all living things.
I think I also let myself get fatter because I didn't want the unwanted attention I used to get. I didn't like my own reaction to me getting all of that attention. It would feel good at first, but then I would get over stimulated and run for cover. That has been my dance. I'm older now, so I won't have to worry about that anymore. Who would have thought turning 50 would be such a good thing? Carrying all that weight around was hard on my joints, legs, sleep and attitude. Most of all, I was suffering from hiding my own power and light from the world. I know for me, my fat did play a positive role. I bet this may be true for many people out there. No wonder we kept the excess weight on. Today I am sick of it. All of those shitty things that happened to me in my past used to make me feel afraid and helpless. I have suffered depression for years. My body rejected the prescription meds the doctors kept dealing me. I had to fire all the doctors and get off the meds and save myself. I did, and I still am. I had to face my Reality head on, look in the full length mirror and deal with it, with patience and compassion for myself and a vision of hope for what I know was possible in me. Doing art and music and finding great friends to laugh with have been my saving grace.
I don't have to be physically bigger to feel safe or padded enough to withstand the harshness of the world. I am coming out of this fat hibernation to kick ass and take names. I am as mad as hell and won't be taking that shit anymore. I am a fist of fury to those who take advantage of weaker more vulnerable people. I am getting stronger, leaner and more powerful so I can defend those who can't. It started with me validating myself and learning how to defend myself. As the weight melts off of me, I replace it with physical strength and confidence from my self defense and firearm skills. I am now safer to be beautiful in our world and I hope to be an example to others on how you can be powerful and strong without hiding who you are and slowly killing yourself out of self preservation. I understand why people do.
