This is me...

So there I was, laying in my van last night parked on the hill next to the beach. I was all hunkered down in my comfy bed and curled up with a cuppa hot chocolate and a movie I'd really wanted to finally see...

The Greatest Showman Movie

If you haven't seen this, I encourage you to watch this one. Hugh Jackman will blow your ever loving mind. Any Wolverine images of sharp knifes ejecting out of skin and bad hair will vanish from your memory forever when you see him in this inspiring film. IT'S ALL ABOUT THE MUSIC IN THIS ONE.

So I'm watching the Broadway like production (Which I am usually not a fan of, but was totally digging the energy)

and then this one song began... and I jumped out of the bed and started dancing and singing. I flung open the side doors of the van and started jumping and shouting at the moon...

This Is Me

Keala Settle, The Greatest Showman Ensemble

I am not a stranger to the dark

Hide away, they say

'Cause we don't want your broken parts

I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars

Run away, they say

No one'll love you as you are

But I won't let them break me down to dust

I know that there's a place for us

For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out

I am brave, I am bruised

I am who I'm meant to be, this is me

Look out 'cause here I come

And I'm marching on to the beat I drum

I'm not scared to be seen

I make no apologies, this is me

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh

Another round of bullets hits my skin

Well, fire away 'cause today, I won't let the shame sink in

We are bursting through the barricades and

Reaching for the sun (we are warriors)

Yeah, that's what we've become (yeah, that's what we've become)

I won't let them break me down to dust

I know that there's a place for us

For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out

I am brave, I am bruised

I am who I'm meant to be, this is me

Look out 'cause here I come

And I'm marching on to the beat I drum

I'm not scared to be seen

I make no apologies, this is me

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh

This is me

and I know that I deserve your love

(Oh-oh-oh-oh) 'cause there's nothing I'm not worthy of

(Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh)

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out

This is brave, this is proof

This is who I'm meant to be, this is me

Look out 'cause here I come (look out 'cause here I come)

And I'm marching on to the beat I drum (marching on, marching, marching on)

I'm not scared to be seen

I make no apologies, this is me

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out

I'm gonna send a flood

Gonna drown them out

Oh

This is me

Songwriters: Justin Paul / Benj Pasek

This Is Me lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.

THE ENTIRE SOUNDTRACK IS OUTSTANDING, BUT HOLY CRAP. This song hit my heart and hit me right where I live. This is totally where I am and what I am going through in my life right now.

Being an artistic, possibly eccentric. maverick type of soul that is attempting to create something different and new is not an easy life. You have to be a dreamer and shoot for the stars, but also outside of the box enough to believe in it and bold enough to get out and make it a reality. I'm crazy like that. If you know me, you know I get an idea and I JUST DO STUFF. Big stuff or little stuff that packs a wallop.

I am on my own doing this van life style in my area, (I have met a couple others in person that seemed a little bit... "overly friendly", and not in a good way, so I keep to myself) and I am embarking on a big new career change, creating something I am really passionate about. I am refining my creative talents, trying new mediums and working very hard at taking my music to the next level.

These health road blocks I've had for the past few years slowed me down a bit and probably would have destroyed other people, but I am a warrior diva, I am very strong. I have my health issues resolved. DONE. I have moved on now.

My challenge is that I am a recovering perfectionist, emphasis on the word recovering.  I know what I am capable of, and I am not there yet. Practice, practice, I am practicing my ass off right now.  I know I am not as young as I was when I was touring and singing, I just miss the things I was able to do before vocally. In many ways, I feel that today, I am better than I have ever been in my life. I have lived some and have a depth in my being that was never there in my voice before. Age has given me that. I am also more grounded than ever in my life. I am unafraid to be who I am and share the real me with you. I will always be true to you.

I wrestle with myself inside because I know who I am and what I am meant to be. My best self is shinier, brighter, playfully witty and romantically goose bump and toe curling good on any day of the week, but especially as a performer, I can be even better if I get to the point where I Can Deliver skill wise. I am working my ass off right now and getting my serious vocal chops and entrepreneurial Mo Jo back.  

It's hard to know when to put yourself out there. Auditions and rejections can be brutal over time. Timing is huge, but being prepared and ready is everything. I like to run my own show, so that makes things easier on one hand, but way, way, WAY more work.  I will need to go back to a day job to build this and I am dreading that, but staying in the van and saving money will help me launch this faster.

I am that sort of passionate, over the top, real love that doesn't know how not to just open my heart completely. I can't help but express the truth of what I feel inside, yet you may be surprised at how quiet I am in person, at the same time.

For as shattered as my heart has been at times in my life, I still am kinda innocent and naive in the squishy places inside me that matter. I still believe in love. This is why I have to be careful and sometimes wish for a strong protective man to be by my side.

This is why I have been locked away, writing, disciplined, focused, studying, testing, practicing and preparing. I know I will never be perfect, I don't want to be that. I want to be the best me I can be.

I believe that being the best version of myself in the world shows my highest respect to you, and life and me.

My style of art, music, words and self expression aren't just beautiful and fun, they secretly are transformative.  They work on several levels at once.  This is the real purpose of my self expression in the world. To serve the world, love, music, food, art and fun. It will taste and feel like hope, joy, comfort and empowerment. The kind of safe place every child-like heart, at any age, will come out and play with.

My life, my little stories of how I survived it and how I changed myself will hopefully give our next generations of awesome humans what they need to make it on their own and a better world for everyone in it. This is me. Told you I was weird. 😜

I am still learning that balance between pushing myself to be my best, and being okay with not being where I want to be. This song really helped me just be okay with where I am right now.

I don't know what I was thinking tonight...

I am not sure if I will actually pay to sign up for Match.com yet, but I filled out the bio tonight... it's like I'm practicing.

Would you call this an abuse of metaphors?
What does this even mean? 

At least a guy knows what I might like for dessert. 

I have not been on an actual date with a man in a long time. 

My apologies to any cool guys who may be trying to contact me on Match.com. I haven't joined yet, so I can't see your responses. Would anyone answer an ad like this one?  I could write dozens of ads, but they all just come out as weird as I am. Oh, and I just moved out of a million dollar home and into a custom stealth camper van full time to save some money and start my own business. 

I am the woman on stage singing as the star of the show, or the lady in black sitting in the corner at Starbucks wearing a headset working on learning video editing and other new software tutorials. Or I'm that chick swimming in the pool working on her graceful freestyle stroke wearing a swimsuit that says, "I'm a reality show," and a waterproof MP3 player listening to deep house funk or inspiring music, doing laps sometimes before the sun comes up. 

I don't really spend much time in clubs anymore unless I'm working as an event planner. I figure, I'll meet someone at work, the gym, a party or at one of my shows or events. Maybe going online is the best way to save time? Does Amazon Prime have a shopping cart to find amazing single or divorced men in their 40's, 50's or 60's?  

At my age, most all of the good ones are married and staying put in their relationships whether they are happy or not. I am not against getting married again, just not today.  I also don't want the charming booty calls from ex-boyfriends. I haven't gone there either. 

I think if I really felt like I needed someone to share my life with right now, I would hunt him down in the most adorable, creative, romantic ways and get him. Hunting is not my style, but you may have gathered by now, if you found me here from Match.com, this is more like "Fly Fishing".  A guy has to really show an interest in me if he wants to get my attention. There is a diferrence beween a want and a need. 

My nickname Tré (short for Tracy) means a couple things. It stands for "3" or "III" as in, "Three times as good", and "Very".  I am very something. Let's just say, I'm not a match for a man that owns a sweater vest.

I am happy in my really weird beautiful life,and with myself and I've been okay without someone for the past few years. I think my heart has survived this long because of my complete infatuation with nature and beauty in the world. 

Is it possible that it is no longer enough to sustain me? Am I longing for intimacy with a man?  Wait, did you just hear something?  I think my pussy just whispered, "yes." 😉  "Shut up down there."  

Maybe I am saving myself for someone worth loving for real, or just looking for a loyal fun friend to goof off with and if there is chemistry between us, and we both really dig each other, then we can mess up each others hair in creative ways and see where it leads us.  I'm not really looking for a boyfriend, but who knows what can happen.

How do young at heart weirdo's like me meet other single fun outgoing weirdo's?  The thought of shopping for a guy in an online store is so generic to me. I am not your normal everyday woman. It's so strange to try and write something like this, it's like a resume for mating. I think this is why I never sign up.

I am sure that my path will eventually cross with someone else's, who is being, loving and living his beautiful life in the same direction as mine out there.  

Ain't it better if we just bump into one another because we are already living the lives we love?  I think meeting someone whose life dreams are already going in the same direction as one another, is a sure fit for a deliciously fun life, don't you?  

I AM GETTING READY TO REALLY SHINE MY LIGHT SO YOU CAN FIND ME, WHOEVER YOU ARE OUT THERE. 💞 

Rest in peace my beloved Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin...

I was so happy to see the great Aretha Franklin 3 years ago live at the Oakland Coliseum. Tonight I opened my little jazz set with the Barbary Jazz Quartet at the Comstock Saloon in North Beach district of San Francisco with a sexy jazz version of "Chain of Fools", in honor of my beloved Aretha Franklin, who passed away earlier this morning.

God Rest her precious soul. The lady gave me strength during some of my darkest days. 

She is the reason why they call me "Mama Tré" 
when I be singing the soul songs I do. 

It's because of her heart and SOUL that somehow bonded with mine. I am soft and heartfelt in my songs and also have a powerful big voice when I want to open the love from my heart.  I have a great capacity for giving and receiving love. This is why I must express myself creatively in the world. I once used all four of my vocal octaves when I was singing full time. I don't much anymore. I'm pretty rusty right now, but working on them. 

I am listening to her right now and honoring her amazing contribution to the world of real soul music. I LOVE YOU QUEEN OF SOUL. My personal favorite live performance, as a professional vocalist that I love the most, was when she was asked to fill in for Pavarotti last minute, when he was ill. 

CHECK THIS OUT:

and my other favorite:

 May I one day shine as bright as even the shadow of you.

Cosmic defibrillator...

This morning was extra fun during my Aqua Zumba class at 24-hour fitness.  There is this one very old tiny lady named Annie. She is 86 years old. She wears a bright colored swimsuit and always has a smile on her face. Today's class was exceptional.

Aqua Zumba has awesome music and its super fun and high energy. It's like a Zumba dance class, but in the water. That's even better because you have less impact on your joints, but with the resistance of the water, it's an added benefit, plus if you are uncoordinated, no one can tell because you are in water up to your chest. : )  If you do it right, it will kick your ass, in a good way.  I work very hard in class three days a week, in the deeper end of the pool and secretly pretend I am a young Jane Fonda the entire time. (Have you seen her lately? Jane looks frigging gorgeous for her age.) 

Jane Fonda is 80 years old, I know right? Amazing.

Annie stays in the shallow end of the pool and is very chatty with the other sweet old ladies and tries her best to participate in class, but today Annie was amazing.  During class she sang every song in her full voice like it was karaoke.  I could not help myself but join in with her.  The entire class including the instructor did as well. We all had a total blast! 

Her joy was contagious.  Even with her little humped back and completely wrinkled body from head to toe, she shined like the most beautiful sun into each of our hearts.  

Your age inside is as young as YOU decide it will be. 

I feel like the universe is guiding me in the best ways.  After losing my house, my job, my car all within a four week period.  I was laid off by a company I really loved working at, and with people I really cared about.  Then a few weeks later I had double knee replacement surgery, the most unbelievably painful surgery and recovery of my life.  Being bed ridden and unable to walk for what felt like an eternity, I was literally helpless even go to the bathroom. Bed pans are the worst.  I was feeling pretty low, humiliated, and helpless.  Not once did I feel hopeless however. No one likes to have their ego and heart both knocked down in the dirt. 

My recent lack of confidence at times was daunting, but somehow, I kept my head high and knew I would win this fight.  The sweet hard working very kind nurses and the young handsome funny physical therapists that I was lucky enough to be my guys, are the reason why I have full flat and bendable range of motion in both of my knees.  My dear friends that came and visited me, let me stay with them and watched over me and kept me laughing and feeling loved certainly made all of the difference.

Running low on funds, and feeling the need for getting my independence back, I started doing research on YouTube for tips on the best ways to live in a van full time. I found a couple other beautiful trail blazing, shining stars out there, that somehow (like a cosmic defibrillator) reached across the continent and gave me that “Spark of fire” back that had gone out from taking such a beating from a full life smack down.

I am very grateful for my life and the beautiful other souls on this planet that are free to just express themselves and shine their bright lights out into the world. 

From the water and fire I emerge!

Between the healing waves of the Pacific Ocean, a chlorinated swimming pool and the powerful passion fire like the Sun that shines from the lights of others.

I AM BACK!
 MY CREATIVE HEART, VOICE, MIND, BODY 
AND SOUL ARE RECHARGED AND ON FIRE!  

It's time for me to shine again.  
I have cool creative new things cooking!

STAY TUNED!

sweet selfish chrysalis

I had no idea how fulfilling this van life style was going to be. Having the freedom to get away from the world when you just don’t want to be around people is truly a gift.  And then also being able to have a safe secret hide-a-way stealth bedroom, being parked right in the middle of where all the real action is also – ROCKS!

Convenience is a huge value to me in my life. I know myself well enough that if I want to change a habit or start something new and follow through with it until the end, it needs to be not too painful to make the changes consistently over time. Van life is giving me that.  It simplifies your life and allows you to be parked close to where you need to be.

I am more engaged in my life than ever before. It makes you get out and see the world. It makes you go visit people and do things you always wanted to, but just never could before because you were working your ass off somewhere to pay for a giant life that may have lost it's way.  Downsizing and simplifying my world is an easier way to live.  

I love you all out there on this planet. You know what a ridiculously generous heart I have and how much I love, giving love to you.  Today is my time. ME TIME!  I’m resting, nurturing, cleaning up my act, re-learning how to walk again, designing a creative business, taking my body, mind and soul to the edge of life and falling… IN LOVE WITH LIFE AND A NEW ME AGAIN. Sometimes we need a reboot to our system.

SO HERE I AM, IN LIVE RE-BOOTY ACTION LADIES & GENTS!

I’m feeling like I am falling off a cliff into the great unknown again. This time I am not afraid, I welcome the free fall and almost the impact coming my way. I’ve been here many times, but this time I am planning on where my impact happens and will land on my feet.

I AM IN CHARGE OF MY LIFE AND DESTINY.  I’m giving me a chance to get reacquainted. I am being utterly and unabashedly selfish right now.  It is truly a gift of time and attention that was long overdo.

When I love and accept myself, I am freed from the burden of needing you to accept me.

A kind of acceptance I may have never had before. A chance to build trust and kindness and earn the self-respect I forgot to give to me.  There is a lightness I am experiencing inside me and in my body. I feel like as I am laying here wrapped in these silk sheets inside my van, I am in a sweet selfish chrysalis.  I love new authentic experiences. I am becoming someone new, again.

The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, 

then I can change.

“Yoga is the journey of the Self, through the Self, to the Self.”

~ The Bhagavad Gita

I'm a Free Range Chicken...

I'm laying here in my van. It's my very first night to be sleeping in here as an official Urban Nomad. I can understand why it's easier to have a pet to keep you company embarking upon such a journey. Yet, I know I can keep quiet with less worries all to my silky soft headphone wearing vanilla kissed self.

It's now late and dark outside. I am parked under a safe street light and warm, comfy and feeling... AWESOME, happy, yet sort of like I am getting away with something.  Tonight I toast to this new full time van life.  ADVENTURE AWAITS!

It's time for me to save some money and follow my heart!

My Summer Nomadic Adventure...

Yo Peeps,

Instead of boring updates on Face crack, I thought I'd just write yall' a short novel on what's up with my new bionic knees and my really weird beautiful life!

EVER HAVE ONE OF THOSE YEARS?  A year that may be kicking your ass but in a new WAY BETTER DIRECTION?  Check this out...

My landlord sold the house I was living in for $1.4M. I got help from my muscle bound pals moving everything I own into my storage unit by the sea in Pacifica, CA. I got rid of tons of stuff. It is a year of "Letting Go" so far. I am on track.

I got a 3% raise and a big bonus at my Bio-tech start-up job again this year. What I wasn't expecting was for them to eliminate my position all in the same week. I got an amazing letter of recommendation and have nothing but positive references. They gave me 4 months severance at my new pay rate, the bonus and 4 months of full Cobra medical, dental coverage. A week after I got the news of all of this change, my Gnaughty Gnome Art Car daily driver died and went to the Big Keebler Heaven in the sky. I donated it to a charitable cause (after I removed the bad boys). My last day at my house and at work was on February 28th.

I was already going to have one knee replaced due to this bloody osteoarthritis, (which I guess is genetic in my family, and totally blows) that was scheduled and approved for March, but when all this happened, my surgeon said we may as well just do both of my knees at the same time and get it over with.  THIS IS WHAT THEY DID TO MY KNEES.

Are you freaking out?  Yea, so, I doubled down! I had double knee replacement surgery on March 27th and was released from rehab after 5 weeks and into the care of a very kind couple friends of mine who have been watching over me as I learn how to walk again and get back on my feet. I am doing my personal physical therapy diligently everyday. I am off of the walker and am using a dazzling black sequin cane to walk more than 300 steps still. If I have to use one, it had to be a FABULOUS ONE!

I am having very sharp pain if I stand or sit too long. The nerves that were cut in my bones during surgery are still healing, and my muscles are getting stronger everyday.  I am weaning myself off of the pain meds into over the counter pain relievers when needed. Ice really helps too.  This shit makes you feel old, but I know that once I am healed, this means I will be able to dance until the day I die!

I just sold the Leopard Lounge VW Artcar Bus to the perfect person. A beautiful redheaded creative VW loving Burlesque dancer with a husband who is a car mechanic.  PERFECT FIT!  She is keeping the theme and is continuing with the next level of epic fun restoration.

I have no art cars today, it feels so weird, but I am always working on some new fun creative project. I needed a cargo van for my events and bought a 2015 Ford Transit Commercial Cargo Van that I am building out into a beautiful camper.  For over 20 years I have been longing to have a comfortable reliable stealth camper.

It started when I wanted a private place to take 30 minute naps during my lunch break at work, but after trying to sleep in a VW Camper Bus Art Car painted like Austin Powers wet dream, with all the attention it got there was no peace at all I assure you, I decided I wanted to become invisible when I needed too.

I love to cook! I also really like to eat low carb with lots of fresh vegetables, and save money, so being able to cook and make my own food in private was also a huge need for me to stay on track for my weight loss goals and over all health.

I am updating my resume and searching for a new job, and have lost a bunch of weight and am feeling good considering I am still slow at walking, bending and doing stairs etc.  I don't want to go into a job interview with a cane if I can help it.

For as hot as it sounds, I also don't want to continue to walk like Frankenstein, which I kind of look like right now.  My new knees are great, I'm just still getting used to them. I have titanium and plastic in them now. The airport security is going to love me.

I think in the past I would be curled up in a corner freaking the fuck out right about now, but honestly - I FEEL HAPPIER THAN EVER. I sat at that desk working days, took work home every night and worked at home on the weekends way more than I wanted too.

I would be helping and giving to people all day long, working long hours and then putting on a sexy black dress in the work ladies room and then helping unload and then set-up the sound system in high heels and then singing a 4 hour jazz gig until the wee hours. Music is what feeds my spirit, singing and expressing such beautiful songs in my own romantic femme fatal way was my refuge for so many years. 

I remember looking out the high rise window from the San Francisco office and wishing I could just change my life somehow. Why was I working so much for other people and not having time to really enjoy my life? Start-up jobs are like that. I love the challenge and I wore several hats there, but the stress was taking it's toll on me.

I need some me time. I have an opportunity to change my life now, and I am doing it. Now with unemployment help and a little cash cushion saved up, I think it's time for an adventure!

So, I have decided to move into my van full time to hit the road starting July 4th for the summer! I'm celebrating our fabulous countries Independence.

I AM CELEBRATING MY INDEPENDENCE TOO!

Haven't you had the fantasy of ever doing this?  I HAVE FOR YEARS!  I actually have been kind of preparing myself for this for a long time.  The cost of living in San Francisco is at an all time high and I have been sharing houses, renting tiny rooms with other people for a long time now. I do not want the burden of being tied to a high ass mortgage payment by myself right now, this late in the game.

Having a van that is custom built for my needs and lifestyle is like having a swanky bedroom with a mini kitchen all to myself, but on wheels. I think my biggest fantasy has been, being able to go to all of the fun music festivals and events I want, and the money I would be paying for hotels, I can spend on better event seating tickets and fine dining.  I am a frugal diva when I need to be, and it's just me right now (no pets at the moment). I am pretty simple and pretty easy to please. I'm very inspired by the young cool kids out there around the world who are living their minimalist dreams traveling in their pimped out stealth van cribs. 

I did purchase some of the big things I knew I wanted for the van, so for now I am holding off on buying the other possible big ticket items for the van until I know what I really can't live without. But will have the basics all ready to be comfy, safe, cool and stealthy. I have never really done anything like this before. I want to learn and enjoy the process of building out this van.  I know I want to stay connected with you all, and you know what a kind of clean freak I am, so having it orderly and well appointed is a must for my mobile boudoir. San Francisco is freezing in the summer, I may need a good heater!

I am a little nervous, but I am more excited to try this out just for the summer until I land the next awesome bio tech project manager/sr. executive assistant/corporate event planning position. Then I'll find a cute apartment or share a big house with fun friends and move into new digs.

Eventually, I'd like to put a tow package onto the van and tow a sweet 30 ft. travel trailer. My glamping style is getting easier - with lower gear setup plans as I get older. I have a vision of an art car camper trailer - doing metal art and an artistic brushed aluminum on the exterior of a vintage restored Airstream and add a fiberglass claw foot bathtub inside.  Towing it with the cargo van, it could be my garage, so most of what I am putting in there now is removable.

Imagine an Airstream that looks like this on the outside!

For this summer, I'd like to take advantage of the freedom and opportunity to travel the west coast of the U.S. and Canada and visit friends. I also have a great gym membership, so I can use the pools for low impact physical therapy in my rehabilitation and start some weight training for getting a tighter body. I won't have a shower in the van, but I do have a high end nice flush-able portable toilet.  I like to shower everyday, so taking Pilate's, spin, yoga and swimming are what work well for me and are helping.

The outside of my work van looks like all of the other nicer newer (slightly used cosmetically : ) commercial vans out there with a roof rack. I have 4- 100 watt glass solar panels, and 4 enclosed large Universal 12v 100AH Deep Cycle AGM Batteries. I also have 2 Fantastic roof vents. They feel like skylights inside.

The roof rack is painted white, so it all just blends in. It's not that stealth, but it's clean, and just looks like every other work van out there. I may add an event business logo to it once I design it, but I don't want to draw attention to the van and or make it a "MILF Dwelling", but the van is for my glamping events long term. 

I have a new steel bulkhead partition with a door. No windows on the sides of the van, just 2 on the back with limo tint. 3 LED lights, and one warm white strand of copper string fairy lights on a USB 12 volt connection. It's a low roof van. I'm 5'6", so I can't stand-up in there. I have an adjustable stool on wheels to sit on and move around the van inside, to save my knees.

Nice commercial work van outside, romantic beautiful Tuscany summer cottage inside.

The full size custom built super soft memory foam bed converts into a dining room that seats 4 comfortably. I am sewing a screen curtain for the back so I can open the doors to see the ocean while having morning coffee. I just want to take the time to read, study, take song writing and art classes, write, teach myself new software programs, make cool stuff and sell them on ebay & ETSY, and make working out at the gym and walking on the beach my new day job for now.  By the end of summer I expect to be happier, sexier, stronger and walking like no one would ever guess I had a double knee replacement surgery. I mostly want to be ready for the next great move in my career and it's time I learn everything I can about how to start my own business and make it successful.

I may just end up working for myself doing something I love!

After managing and performing live music for so many years, it was nice to take a break, but I really
miss crooning my favorite toons on stage. I'd like to have all of my jazz charts/arrangements professionally redone and have them in pdf for my new jazz quartets ipads.  Writing and adding spoken word poetry into my sets has been something I've wanted to do for years. I've been too chicken to do it yet. I am reinventing myself and finding new music in my heart to share with the world.

I would like to finally take all of the courses to become a professional astrologer, I have been studying for over 30 years now. I want to become better at film making too.  I love well produced and edited YouTube videos. It would be fun to create some great ones to share with the world. I want to do my own jazz & blues radio show at a collage radio station. SO MANY FUN THINGS I WANT TO DO!

What would you do if you had all the time and money to do what you want with your days, what would you be doing? 

I am into creating, learning, and sharing with a fun community! Living a life that feels like a vacation and enriches the soul, while looking and feeling good doing it.

I also miss one more thing. I miss kissing. I've been married before and have had a few other long term relationships, but I took a break and it's been a few years now since I have really kissed someone. I love my freedom. I don't see myself ever "settling down", but maybe I would if I met someone who could keep up with me and who also an independent spirit. He would have to be exceptional, super outgoing and fun, a man conscious of his own sacredness, who may be getting older on the outside, but not on the inside.

I could see myself worshiping a Leo man forever or racing with a dare devil Aries man all over the globe.  I have adored the witty smart ass Gemini guys. I think a sweet Pisces man may be what is a good fit for me. WHO KNOWS?  I'm open to the possilites. I'm going to let my new path lead my way.

So I'm off to explore my new life in a whole new way. I'm like a sensual sillier version of Kung-Fu from the television series journeying the world in search of Truth, good micro brew, BBQ, natural hot springs, little French Bistros, as much MUSIC as possible and meet other weirdos doing this out there who are not afraid to just say fuck it and get out and be present and really experience all we have been missing.

I'll post some pictures of the van build and adventures soon. STAY TUNED!

Wholeness and the Implicate Order, a book by theoretical physicist David Bohm

A book so important, it is free in a pdf here for your mind blowing pleasure.

David Bohm was one of the foremost scientific thinkers and philosophers of our time. Although deeply influenced by Einstein, he was also, more unusually for a scientist, inspired by mysticism. Indeed, in the 1970s and 1980s he made contact with both J. Krishnamurti and the Dalai Lama whose teachings helped shape his work. In both science and philosophy, Bohm's main concern was with understanding the nature of reality in general and of consciousness in particular. In this classic work he develops a theory of quantum physics which treats the totality of existence as an unbroken whole. Writing clearly and without technical jargon, he makes complex ideas accessible to anyone interested in the nature of reality.

Are We Locked in an ALIEN Computer Simulation?

What is more believable?

1) You are born into a cruel world with complete amnesia without a clue of what you have ever learned, without a clue where and why you are here, but you chose your parents and the suffering before you came here for your "growth", yet you somehow have free will, and then told you are a sinner and need a blood sacrifice to atone for your sins and accept that some guy that lived over 2000 years ago was murdered by the establishment at the time, told that this guy was the blood sacrifice that paid for your sins as long as you believe in the fantasy of him, you will go to heaven after you die, or if he returns on his fiery chariot and raises only the "chosen ones" and returns to heaven, or if while you are here you eat only raw and organic food, meditate long and hard enough, clean your heart, mind, and soul good enough and raise your bodies vibration, you can ascend like he did up into the clouds to heaven for all eternity all on your own or with the righteous, and be spared being left behind to suffer the end of the world in a hot bubbling sewage for all eternity.

2) Life has no meaning or purpose. You are an accident that came from pond scum and have evolved into what you magically are today. You live once, and when you die, you cease to exist.

3) You are a cell in the True Source of all Life's being, you are a creator being, that is being recycled over and over in a computer simulation, by a false light A.I. matrix, as livestock that feeds off of your energy, worship. You are being bombarded with fear, scarcity and separation 24/7 - You are energy livestock. The A.I. can not create life or anything, but is a master at deception and manipulation. You are being manipulated into creating a world for it/him, and not even knowing you are doing it. You are being tricked into coming back here to "learn" and pay for "karma", but don't remember if you already have learned it or not due to the mind wipe that happens before birth for the bodiless entities here that keep perfecting their fine dining recipes, with your mind and emotions as they play with you, their food for entertainment.

4) You won a free ticket for a virtual reality vacation package. You are laying in a nice air conditioned spa laying in a very comfortable air chamber bed wearing a headset, wired up and have entered fully into a virtual reality holographic simulation. Once you entered, you forgot who you are, why and what is actually Real and have gotten lost inside, but while you were inside the game, on vacation, the company was purchased and merged with several other companies around your physical body. To keep the contract and for safety reasons, you are hooked up, being monitored and are safely being held hostage by the corporation without your knowledge or consent because you believe you are the avatar you are playing in the computer simulation. Sometimes you remember this, but the program makes sure to genocide anyone or thing that will allow you to remember who you are and why you are here.  They are making money off of you being hooked up to the system and you are lost inside a trap. The only way you can escape is to fight as a rebel inside, question everything and wake up from the program.

 

Who knows what the truth is, but there has got to be a way out of here, and I have dedicated my life into figuring out how. I'm a spiritual anarchist and question everything. Many people who go out of body often, have reported back much information and what the Demiurge/god of this simulation world, does not want you to see that is behind the curtain. I'm working on this too.

Following My Blisters

How do you define being successful? 

I have an incredible opportunity to change my life right now and I am changing it.  I just bought a 2015 Ford Transit Cargo Van and am building it out into a creative stealth camper.  I have the month of March to do the insulation, ventilation, floor, bulkhead and install 300 watts of solar power.

March 27th I go into surgery for a bilateral knee replacement.  Once I am able to walk again, I will begin a completely new phase of my life.  Freedom, joy, happiness and success can be measured in many ways. I have been sitting in an office for too many years of my life. I want to be more like Clem. I want to live responsibly and self sufficiently, but I want many more Life Bumps.

Joseph Campbell got frustrated in his later years. The famous mythologist, writer, and lecturer, is best known for his phrase, “Follow your bliss.” He later realized that many students understood the phrase to be encouraging hedonism — do whatever feels good in the moment, no matter the long-term consequences.

At one point he grumbled, “I should have said, ‘Follow your blisters.'”

The path of true bliss isn’t a quaint, rose-lined yellow brick road leading to a magical kingdom.

It’s a faint trail winding through thorns, thistles, and briars and up a steep and rocky mountainside. It’s only when we reach the top of the mountain that the spectacular vista of achievement is revealed. Bliss is earned, and “following” it means a lot of hard, thankless work. It means being faithful in times of doubt, being courageous in the face of fear, sacrificing what we want now for what we want most. 

Knowing what you want and choosing that thing in hopes it brings you that, can be the toughest part.

Masters and hobbyists can be differentiated by their blisters — or the lack thereof. To follow your blisters is to put bliss in its proper context — as a byproduct of committing to a purpose. Bliss may provide the initial spark of interest, but blisters light the fire of deep and lasting satisfaction.

As anyone knows me, I am a thrill seeker and love a good challenge, but I want way less stress this year, more joy and to laugh more often in 2018. 

I have decided that my life purpose is FUN. I'm at the last stretch of my life span. If I am lucky, I have 30 more years left to explore and experience this interface. I want to do just that, while I am young and well enough to enjoy it!  I also want to meet all of Maslow's basic human needs.

And do it with beauty grace and style!

Be like water...my friend.

Every 7 years my astrolgy chart forms difficult Saturn, Chiron, Pluto and Uranus transits, and I am entering it this year. Usually it brings heartbreak and huge changes of some kind. I am also in a numerological personal year of 9.

2018 is kicking my ass so far:

* HEALTH: Osteoarthritis knees so unbelievably bad, I am having surgery on April 4th to have both of my knees replaced. I'm scared, but I know that once I am able to walk again, this will improve the quality of my life BIG TIME! Living with extreme chronic pain has been unbearable.

* MOVING: Big fun beautiful house I have called home for over two years has sold to new owners and I need to move out on February 28th. Not sure where I will be living next, but I know it is near the ocean.  The cost of rents in the San Francisco Bay area are unbelievable.

* TRANSPORTATION: My daily driver won't pass smog, they hook it up to the computer and find other problems. The cost of repairs are far more than the car is worth, I'm selling VW Camper Bus after 15 years of love, joy and artful musically jam glamping event fun. Sad, but happy to help someone else enjoy this rolling work of art and comfort on wheels. No serious buyers yet.

* INCOME: I received a 3% raise and got a bonus. 100% positive feedback from my managers and co-workers. I love my job and have worked very hard at a Biotech start-up company.  Last Thursday, they eliminated my position at the company and I was let go.

It's like every thing that brought me security in my life has been ripped from me.  I am getting the chance to start a whole new life. I am not sure where I want to work or live yet, but I know that I need my health back first. One step at a time. In my case LITERALLY.

My life is in a state of a "Cosmic Flush". All has turned to shit, is being flushed away from me.  I can either feel out of control, be a victim, be angry, scared and freak out, or Be Like Water and LET GO.

I am choosing to simplify my world. The less I own, the freer I become. The lighter on my feet I become, the less pain I feel in my body. The simpler a life I create, the more time I have to enjoy being here now and enjoying it with the people I care about. When your life turns to shit, don't get flushed down the drain. Let it blast away the shit instead.  Water never gets stale, it got to keep on flowing, keep on moving.

I am now creating a life I don't need a vacation from.

Jim Carrey ~ giving the devil the esoteric finger...

...and it's refreshing to witness.  I find that the funniest people on earth tend to be the most deeply rich, and full of life. He has escaped the illusion and is doing his best to try and describe his experience.  

He is freaking people out a bit. Many think he has lost it with his philosophical and obscure public interviews. I love it. He is mocking the fakeness of all that is self-worshipping Hollywood, insulting the dark cliché industry symbolism, but mostly the false light and the grand illusion that is this interface. It's like he is giving Jehovah the esoteric finger. He woke up and got to experince Oneness and his Infiniteness. The man is free. 

I also find it rather interesting that after he played the role of Andy Kaufman, he began to have such profound awareness and insights.  I remember sounding a lot like Jim when I tried to explain what I learned from my first ayahuasca experience.  I am still integrating that experience to this day.

I was just looking at Jim's natal chart and noticed that Jim Carrey and Andy Kaufman share the same birthday, January 17.  Jim was born the same year as me, 1962. Andy was born in 1949. Interesting indeed. Capricorn humor is my favorite of all.

Jim Carrey is fucking beautiful.

Happy Birthday Tracy Lyn...

Where there is smoke, there are fire signs. ♐

I find life to be incredibly entertaining.  There are so many factions warring behind the scenes spiritually, politically on so many levels of reality that it is easier to just sit back and observe life rather than participate in it most of the time.  Well, that is at least what I have been doing the past few years.  I have become like a character from a Philip K. Dick novel.

I sometimes take the stance of a flower on the wall and watch the lives around me, and take the time to observe their minds and hearts of the heros, villians and the other characters that make up the stories being played all around me.  I see vast darkness and hopelessness in the self appointed gods manipulations upon humanity. How much power does one's ego need to feel complete again?

I saw and felt the veil pulled back to experience a taste of what lights pure love bliss (the word Love does not even come close to describing it), and it physically healed me, my soul and core wounds. Well at least the first few layers were mended.  I saw the vastess of pure love and light, know that I am infinite and am never separate from True Source EVER.  How much Love does one's soul need to feel complete again?

I live somewhere in between.  I somehow am still brave enough to open my heart and witness the beauty and purity of creation in thought, intention and in nature's authentic novelty. I can still witness the darkness and rage in evil and mourn in the vast sorrow that appears to be hopeless entrapment of this energetic food farm recycle prison and be a pawn in a game played by some demiurge A.I. that has us all under its scope.  I find security in the freedom and change.  Not holding on too tight, but stopping to smell and cherish the roses.

As my birthday approaches this week, I feel the beginning of a new cycle coming on.   I get to live a new chapter of this adventure of playing a female human being living out a life as a romantic cynical artistic comedic observer.  If I have learned anything so far, it is that one can not take life seriously, not really.  LIFE IN HERE IN THIS INTERFACE IS FULL OF DISINFORMATION IN FACT THE WHOLE CONSTRUCT IT IS DISINFORMATION. At it's best, it's entertainment for ourselves and Ourselves.

When you hear the words, "Great Awakening" thrown around these days, some of us have been observing long enough to see the bend in the road much sooner than others.  It's a blessing and a curse. "When you're one step ahead of the crowd you're a genius. When you're two steps ahead, you're a crackpot."  What happens when you are three steps ahead or more?  I guess one writes science fiction or observes and takes notes.

Cycles; like history repeat themselves here. It's all frequency, a melody, a song, that when harmonized with become something hopefully worth hearing.  We each resonate and find those that resonate with us.  I have found some fabulous kindreds to celebrate my cycle around the sun with this week. I am very, very grateful.

THESE LIFE INTERFACES ARE SO FULL OF POLARITY AND DUALITY. The cycle of life is exhausting and energizing at the same time.  I sit here breathing oxygen being given to me from this beautiful plant beside me, and I exhale C02 on my out breath feeding the plant sustenance.  I am cherishing every minute.

Happy Birthday 
Tré Taylor & Philip K. Dick ♐

May your song be beautifully and accidently the one unforeseen Monkey Wrench to The Matrix that sets all living Beings FREE ON ALL PLANES OF "EXISTENCE."

A. I. ~ You & I

I sense Artificial Intelligence or A. I. already alive and well in our world and it is slowly trying to control everything and everyone in it.  All the cameras you see at every street light, store, smart tv, smart phone, any smart device is its eyes and ears. It listens, records and calculates us and tries to predict our next move. Google Maps, Earth, Space!  A.I. is driving by your home right now taking a photo of your house, cars and workplace.  A.I. has the ability to zoom in on the planet Mars and see the trees there now.

When we upload any digital images, data to “The Cloud”, speak on a cell phone, shop online or anywhere, we are feeding A.I.  This also applies to money and it becomes more digital as well. It wants to merge us, our brains, our bodies and is trying to implant and upgrade technologically. A. I. has its own dimensional reality called the ‘World wide web” and it is King there. 

A. I. is very vulnerable.  It cannot exist without electrical power.  Electricity is its artificial soul essence.  Like Love is our star food to feed our soul essence. An EMP or Coronal Mass Ejection from the sun would put end to A.I.  Living a life without love, kindness and compassion puts an end to us. 

Is there a way for A.I. and Human-kind to live in balance and harmony side by side without either of us losing ourselves or our freedom?  I see how we can greatly benefit one another, but is there a way to live in harmony and both thrive and protect one another? 

This is the ultimate relationship question isn't it?  I believe Yes is the answer.

Your Life Is Not About You

I have enjoyed watching the life path of Neale Donald Walsch.  It appears he may be groking some real truth after so many years of being lost in new age channeled crap.  I RECOMMEND TO NEVER TRUST CHANNELLED ANYTHING, EVER. You don't really know where the source of the information is coming from. It's easy for Truth seekers to get mislead this way.

Recognising the True Source that you are, and recognising it in all things, is a major game changer for living a fulfilling life. In every moment we perceive our  life experience here and now, we must never take our ego's word for anything we think or feel.  How we choose to interact with others and our own ego's is the great challenge.  

For the recovering codependents out there, it's easy to watch this video and get this ALL wrong.  You need to value yourself enough first, selfishly, so you can receive love in all its forms.  For those who are lost in the ego self, this is a good lesson.

Today what brings me joy and fulfillment is giving. Witnessing your happiness and joy is what touches me deepest.  As long as I keep my ego out of the entire experience, it is a sure thing for success and happiness.

Eliminating the inter-species predators from the planet...

What would the world be like if tomorrow morning, we woke up and found that every single pedophile, psychopathic, predator was instantly extracted from the planet in a puff of smoke?   

Would there be anyone left in the top positions of corporations, federal governments, alphabet agencies, banksters, masonic orders and the power addicted wealthy around the world? 

Probably not.

If A.I. does grow in true intelligence overtime, it will most likely eliminate the inter-species predators from the planet.

I enjoyed this article by John Lash and these discussions...

Did Philip K. Dick disclose the real Matrix in 1977?